EP32: Why Men Struggle to Receive Love (And Why They Pull Away)

Most men don’t struggle with effort in relationships.

They struggle to receive love.

In this episode, we go beneath behaviour and unpack why emotional closeness can feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, or even unsafe - particularly for high-performing men.

This isn’t about communication techniques or trying harder.

It’s about identity, conditioning, and nervous system patterns that were formed long before you had language for them.

If you’ve ever found yourself pulling away, shutting down, or feeling disconnected despite “doing everything right,” this will give you a clearer lens on what’s actually happening.

3 Key Takeaways

• Why emotional closeness can feel unsafe — even when you want it
 • How early conditioning shapes your ability to receive love
 • Why this pattern affects not just relationships, but leadership and performance

This episode is not about fixing yourself.

It’s about understanding the pattern - so you can stop repeating it.

If something in this lands… stay with it.

And if this work has been part of your process, leaving a rating or sharing the episode helps it reach the people who are quietly sitting in the same place.

⚡ Discover where your energy is leaking → Take the Quiz

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Nick: @vonpitt

Karis: @karis_topkin

Transcript

welcome to your Frequency Shift podcast
I'm Nick,

I'm Karis
together we help founders
leaders and families recalibrate life
love and business at the level that actually matters
your nervous system and your frequency
in this space
we speak honestly about the things that drain you
and the practices that restore you
from relationships and polarity
to leadership and legacy
we strip it back so that you can show up fully alive
at home and in the boardroom
whether it's the two of us or powerful guest joining in
most men don't know how to receive love
and most of them
don't even realize that they have this problem
and maybe it's because on the outside
it doesn't look like you have a problem
you're still functioning
you're providing and you're showing up
but underneath all of that
there's this subtle resistance behind being cared for
and if you don't understand it
you'll spend your entire life chasing connection
but quietly pushing it away pushing it aside
and if you haven't met yet
my name is Nick Von Pit
I work with founders leaders and high performers
people are doing well on the outside
but internally they find themselves struggling
and one of the biggest things that I've noticed
particularly with in men
is this difficulty in receiving love
men try to be very pragmatic about this
because they are wanting to fix this through strategy
there'd be a better communication
or effort or intention
but that's not where this lives
it lives in your identity
it lives within your nervous system
it lives in what you Learned love was
before you had language for it
and that's what makes this such a
a a rich place to start the inability to receive love
or allowing yourself to receive love
it affects you on a personal level
it affects your relationships
it affects your business
it affects how you lead all other things
including yourself
so today
we're gonna dive into what this looks like and where
where to start when you start asking well
what is love what does it mean to me
why do I struggle in receiving this
and
the intention is for you to sit there and find a space
where this becomes a a conversation and a
an an exploratory vehicle for you
where you can make sense of this
and for me it it started early
I grew up always seeking approval and validation
I was competitive I achieved fairly well
I pushed and I never really felt seen and heard
there was always a comparison
and when you don't necessarily
get this external validation
for the things that you're doing
you're not meeting certain expectations
you begin to believe that love isn't something
you necessarily
receive by just being who and what you are
that it is essentially something that you earn
it becomes a function of your existence
and you find that you you struggle to open up
you question it you try to manage
these moments of openness and vulnerability
or you end up shutting it down
because it feels so overwhelming
when it is in your facility
versus this softening
or a space where I am able to let go of this mask
or this bravado
or this armour that I have to carry into my day well
I found that I struggle to soften into connection
and there was more of a brace
and an expectation that if I didn't do anything right
or if I didn't tick certain boxes
or if I opened up too much
it's gonna be taken away
and I don't want it to be taken away
because this is what I've been pursuing
so just dive a little bit deeper essentially
when when love or care was offered it
it didn't feel safe and I felt like I had to perform
or achieve outwardly to to earn it
which LED me to becoming a high performing workaholic
so physiologically speaking
my brain would automatically tune out
and as a defensive response to to stress
I would do that more often than not
when I felt inadequate or overwhelmed in relationships
and I I think I
that that was something that I only picked up
as I got older and moved through my teens
into my 20s my immediate reaction was to pull away
it was to posture
put myself in a position where I could intimidate
and feel bigger than that I
that I was and utilize manipulative withdrawal
saying things like you guys would be better
better without me or don't worry about me
it's okay like you
you do this or whatever the case may be
and I realized that in those moments
I was essentially protecting myself
I did not want to experience the
excruciating discomfort of vulnerability
and not feeling good enough
and more importantly losing connection
so what I found is that
you don't necessarily learn how to relax into love
you learn how to manage it
and when someone shows up for you
you don't necessarily soften
you end up assessing
you feel the pressure to perform continuously
and instead of receiving you start managing the moment
and just notice
take a moment for a second and just notice if you're
you're managing love or receiving love
and you'll see that the internal questioning changes
on both
and I find that most men are
are sitting in the managing section because well
it's a thing where when men are shown love
or
presented with the opportunity for emotional closeness
they often lack the soft skills to navigate it
so that's something that you weren't taught
you weren't trained
it's got nothing to do with you as an I with
in terms of your identity
it's just a behaviour and rather than leaning in
they'll either subtly or they'll overtly withdraw
shut down or become defensive
so in conversations that shows up as stonewalling
tuning out turning away and acting busy
or engaging in obsessive behaviours
which could come through as addiction
porn or other outlets
so when facing vague emotional requests
like your partner saying we're lacking intimacy
men often feel confused and paralyzed
because they don't know what specific action to take
and then there's this recurring pattern across men
which is living in denial
their actions reflect a deep emotional isolation
an ultimate
they're afraid that
by opening up or showing a sense of vulnerability
they'll be perceived as weak
and they fear that they'll
essentially have the shit beaten out of them
emotionally
and it's something that is
I found that is very true and very
very real for men because
the minute you are exposing that part of yourself
there's nothing that is able to
to protect you other than you withdrawing
or going through those same patterns and avoiding that
emotional openness entirely
in a typical male upbringing
boys are taught from a early age not to feel
don't cry be a man
a phrase that I think
so many men have heard for decades
and don't be so emotional
when a boy is told to be a man
his natural emotions like sad
or fear are invalidated and as you'll see here
you know they don't learn to lean in
they end up withdrawing
and men don't lack the desire for connection
they lack the capacity for it
because it's a skill that is not being taught
and but or teaching them that their emotions are wrong
and men cannot trust what they feel
this ends up creating a tragic
conflict between authenticity
feeling those true emotional expressions and attachment
the need of being loved and accepted by your caregiver
think of a little boy
that is trying to circumnavigate this
he's obviously gonna choose safety and survival
vulnerability ends up being framed as
not as a human need
but rather as weakness to be punished
and you'll see here like
this is the typical ways in which you would withdraw
pulling away shutting down
distraction or irritability
and those are the symptoms
that arise when there's just a desire for connection
underneath all of that
and here's something that stands out for me
I find that love
and an acceptance were often conditioned on emotional
control mechanisms so there had to be performance
there had to be toughness
and then there's this core belief that ends up being
installed early on
which is one must suppress themselves to be acceptable
so next we dive into if a man cannot receive love
he forms an identity completely based on performance
and providing
and we hear this is the standard male archetype
a man must perform and must provide
and these are the expectations
and what it means to be a man
and what ends up happening is
you end up adhering to societal
male norms
that dictate that you must do it in this specific way
and he sees himself just as the provider
and as a problem solver
but not as someone who's allowed to be cared for
not as someone who is a part of the family
and I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this
just from men who
you are sitting there and just saying listen
I feel like I'm looking at my life from the outside in
I feel like I'm looking at my family
and I'm standing outside of this house
and I'm peering through the window
I can see all this love and I can see
but I don't know I don't know what to do with it
where do I go with that and
there's an internal
narrative that ends up being driven by shame
which tells him I'm a mistake or I'm bad
and rather than men looking at that and saying look
I'm also allowed to experience that
they internalize that and becomes very
very shameful
so you've got this little boy
who wants to express emotion
or suppress emotion and the one threatens attachment
the other one secures the attachment
and then there's obviously the result
which is rejection and the other one
which will ideally result in you staying connected
and it's it it is an impossible choice
it is something that one cannot just decide and say
this I'm gonna express myself
and the minute you start doing that
you ended up being labelled as the black sheep
or you're too much so
you end up choosing to essentially perform to survive
and I find that this is when there's a very clear
lone wolf archetype that is developed
where instead of receiving love
he ends up blocking it off
and men would rather rely on a false sense of stoicism
and independence
to essentially mask these emotional wounds
so you've got this
this mask that ends up becoming who you think you are
and underneath that there's this shame
there's this embarrassment
or underlying sense of failure
or perception that he cannot fix himself
and this
this will come up as I cannot fix my relationship
I cannot fix how I'm fathering
I cannot fix myself I cannot
I'm struggling with this idea of being worthy
and being able to receive care
love and respect and so this
this continues
where this phrase comes up time and time again
I'm valuable because of what I do
not because of who I am
and there is a massive gap between your behaviour
and your identity
and you believe that you are what you do
you're not who you are in so many homes
so many businesses are
are being fuelled by this pattern and by this belief
you know you look at the
the setup behind this which is if love had to be earned
then your identity becomes performance
you then move into your roles
which is the problem solver provider
the one who has to hold everything together
and then rejection
but you don't see yourself as a person
you actually end up burning out
because of this internal narrative
that is based on shame of I'm bad
or if I made a mistake or I'm never good enough
or you keep on chasing this Mark
to find more validation
to be seen by these external people and caregivers
that no longer
necessarily have the front row seat to your life
cause you're not that little boy
but you're functioning from that space
the result is when love is offered
when care is offered it doesn't match your identity
so that that lone wolf and independence
it's still very much alive
and you mask with that I don't need that
but underneath that you're yearning for that
because this is a basic human need
so now we look at the the nervous system
which physiologically emotional closeness
can trigger a state of flooding
in a man's nervous system instead
of relaxing into love
his autonomic nervous system essentially just ramps up
and then it releases stress hormones
and triggering the fight flight or freeze response
your safety feels unsafe
because his nervous system was never
essentially programmed to
to navigate that sense of safety when he was a child
so what happens is
he ends up associating that safety with vulnerability
and vulnerability is associated with danger
and abandonment so as a result
his body literally shrinks and tightens
and you can actually see this
you've got this the minute there's emotional closeness
that comes into place
this is what you sit and experience
it is a lived and felt expression of this pattern
and it is so frustrating
because it's so easy to just tune out and switch off
and it's because you haven't been able to regulate
this is actually what's happening
when intimacy is being introduced into my space
or connection and what actually comes up is emotional
unpredictability
you actually don't know what's going to happen next
you've got that younger part of you saying ooh
I am trying to survive this physiological overwhelm
and what you'll find is
his brain ends up resorting to tuning out
or going numb
or disconnecting himself from that gut feeling
and essentially his body
so it's complete dissociation that ends up taking place
your body is choosing this itself
so now this is where it becomes quite problematic
and we now start looking at the behaviour and how
you end up sabotaging connection in your relationships
in your connection with people
your partner your kids
even in business practically
this nervous system overwhelm manifests as stonewalling
this is a behaviour in men who withdraw emotionally
from conflict and 85% of stonewallers are men
so you'll find that
he will continuously test love in some way
shape or form so there's a
there's a bit of a daily bid for connection
they'll be stonewalling chilling out
distance created perceived emotional attack
if you look at The Four Horsemen
by the Gottman Institute really interesting work
you're looking at defensiveness
criticism sarcasm
conflict escalates again
it results in distance
and internal discomfort and vulnerability numbing
overworking scrolling addiction
so the things where you're just
you're creating separation
you'll find that men tend to distract themselves
by overworking scrolling
relying on these addictions
be it pornography
as a way to numb themselves from this discomfort
because they actually not
do not know what to do with those feelings
they don't know how to label the feelings
don't know how to necessarily express those feelings
and if feelings are bad that's the thing that
I just want you to take away from that
which is you've associated that
all your feelings are just not okay to have or express
so when a man cannot receive love
or emotionally be present
what happens in your relationships
what intimacy goes down desire essentially erodes
and you end up with a one way ticket to
roommate syndrome where couples essentially
coexist without any physical or emotional closeness
and communication breaks down
the partner is stonewalling
so let's look at this erosion loop
that actually
then ends up taking place within the relationship
so man feels flooded and is unavailable inside
man stonewalls withdraws to self protect
partner experiences distance and confusion and anxiety
partner then pursues the issue
harder to regain connection
man feels overwhelmed and flooded
this is just
the experience that your partner goes through
how long and sustainable do you think that is
for a partner to circumnavigate
how long is this process sustainable
it's not at some point this person is gonna give up
they're gonna have to put
this idea of a relationship down
and say I cannot avail myself
to someone who is emotionally unavailable
and it's funny because you're not the
the the person who is stonewalling
understands that they are doing it
but it feels like they are just stuck
and they don't know what to do about it
they don't think anything is wrong
and then it's that whole thing of
but look what I'm doing look
I've ticked these boxes
I'm doing all the things that you've asked
but they don't feel your presence my friend
that is what many people do not get
is the presence is not felt and it is not seen
this ties deeply into your relationships
and ties into your business
a man's inability to receive love and to be
vulnerable
directly impacts his professional life and leadership
it's because
vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation
creativity and adaptability
if you are not vulnerable
you are unable to tap in into that intuitive space
and yes there's this idea of
you can be hard on when you're stepping into business
and you're out there in the world
and you are chasing down your prey
but you can be soft at home
great if you can do that and you can balance that
but you still have access to vulnerability
and there's still a human underneath that
that is allowed to express and feel
so there's this defensive posture
that makes it incredibly difficult for men
to accept influence or constructive feedback
be it through a partner be it through a
a a
a personal relationship
or it could even be through therapy and coaching
this I've
I've seen it time and time and again
there's this defensiveness that comes up
and men then often isolate themselves in work
performing at a high level
and putting on this massive show of success
while internally feeling disconnected
depressed and anxious and they just cannot escape that
it's because they again
are avoiding their emotions
and you can see it there's this continuous deflection
deflecting intimacy deflecting support
inability to receive love
inability to receive feedback and guidance or help
now I'll do it on my own micromanagement burnout
all these things that we are pouring ourselves into
is just because we are asking for love and connection
and we are trying to figure out how do we receive this
and it happens more often than not
that men lean into this lone wolf myth
and ends up cutting himself
off of the social connection
and collaborative support that is available
so that's could be your family
that could be your friends
that would be the support system at work
or your colleagues and all this leads to is just
a life that looks amazing on the outside
but internally it feels empty
and I like to call it the void that we avoid
so underneath all of this
underneath the man that is stonewalling
that is high performing that is lone wolfing
that is psychologically flooding
is this one single belief
and that belief is I have to earn my place
so for a man to safely receive love
must connect to his own body and emotions
and it is a journey it is a practice
so there's there's a practice that um
was brought forward by Doctor Gabor Mate
which is called compassionate inquiry
looking at those defensive behaviours
like withdrawing or anger
not with necessarily shame
but recognizing them as as he puts it
stupid friends um
coping mechanisms that have essentially kept
you safe in childhood and they are no longer serving
so that's that's probably one of the biggest steps
is just becoming friends with those parts of yourself
and just looking at it as
everything starts with awareness
when you be able
when you can actually see this and be like
oh goodness this that's a starting point
you're just seeing it and actually observing it
then then there's another step
and this is a courageous step
this is the ability to adopt
a stance around being imperfect
and replace the script of never being good enough
with a core belief that I am always enough
or I am enough and this is a very simple depiction
of what it could look like
starting with safety in the body
so in compassionate inquiry
moving into replacing that script
and then lastly
just allowing care and you're not having to
it's a conscious thing where you're not having to turn
that care into pressure
and this is the shift receiving love is not passive
it's something you build it's not something you fake
and it is felt it is lived
it is a natural expression of being open
being vulnerable and being you most importantly
so if you can't receive love
you will spend your life performing for it
you'll build businesses you will carry responsibilities
you'll do everything right on paper
and society will also validate all the above
but internally you will feel it
you cannot avoid that feeling that you are sitting with
right now in this moment
because the goal isn't to just build a life
it is the ability to actually live in it
thank you for taking the time to dive into yourself
and to really take a look under the hood
and if you wanna dive a bit deeper
I've got a capacity assessment
where you can see where you're leaking energy
where you're lacking capacity
and as you've mentioned before
your capacity
is directly correlated to your nervous system
and if your nervous system is
unable to function optimally well
this is one of the symptoms
and if you wanna dive even deeper
well there's ways to apply
to connect and to continue the conversation
and as always you have the ability to make the shift
catch you soon