EP31: Why You Stop Being Yourself Around Your Family

There’s a version of you that only shows up in certain rooms.

And for most people… that room is family.

Nothing needs to be said. No conflict needs to happen. But the moment you step in, something shifts. Your body tightens.Your breath changes.

You become more guarded… more careful… less yourself.

In this episode, Nick unpacks what’s actually happening beneath that shift — not psychologically, but biologically.

Why your nervous system reverts to an older version of you.

Why you can understand the work… and still not be able to access it in those moments.

And why this pattern isn’t about weakness it’s about survival.

We explore the tension between attachment and authenticity, the role identities you learned to maintain connection, and the quiet “healing fantasy” that keeps this cycle repeating.

3 Takeaways

Your body is not reacting to the present  it’s remembering the past.

You don’t shift around family because of what’s happening now. You shift because your nervous system has already decided who you need to be to stay safe.

You learned to choose attachment over authenticity.

As a child, belonging wasn’t optional. So parts of you were suppressed to maintain connection and those patterns still run automatically today.

The work is not to change them - it’s to stay with yourself.

Freedom comes from shifting the goalpost. From needing deep understanding… to holding your own internal safety, regardless of who can meet you there.

If something in this lands… stay with it.

And if this work has been part of your process, leaving a rating or sharing the episode helps it reach the people who are quietly sitting in the same place.

⚡ Discover where your energy is leaking → Take the Quiz

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Explore what’s possible for you at frequencycoaching.com

Connect with us on Instagram:

Nick: @vonpitt

Karis: @karis_topkin

Transcript

welcome to your frequency shift podcast
I'm Nick
I'm Caris
together we help founders
leaders and families recalibrate life
love and business at the level that actually matters
your nervous system and your frequency
in this space
we speak honestly about the things that drain you
and the practices that restore you
from relationships and polarity
to leadership and legacy
we strip it back so that you can show up fully alive
at home and in the boardroom
whether it's the two of us
or powerful guests joining in
this podcast is here to help you shift
there's a version of you that only shows up
around certain people
and for a lot of people that place is family
you walk in and everything shifts
your body tightens
you might be curling your toes or clenching your fists
your breathing becomes more shallow
you're guarded
you're ready to be defensive or on the offensive
you're essentially not fully yourself anymore
and it's not necessarily that anything has to be said
it's because something in you
some part of you remembers thematically
subconsciously or consciously
if you haven't met yet my name is Nick
I work with founders leaders and high performers
people who are doing well on the outside
but internally navigating pressure
identity and how they actually show up in their lives
and this
this is one of the most common patterns that I see
so today we're gonna dive into why this happens
and how to essentially break this cycle
utilizing psychological and neurobiological frameworks
things that you can use to see
better understand
and move from that space of reacting to responding
and when you are in that red zone
that you're able to take actionable steps
so you can function you can move through it
and you can find that internal space of safety
why do you change without anyone saying anything
so it's firstly not conscious
it is subconscious it is a
mechanism that you have developed to keep yourself safe
essentially
what's happening is your body is activating this role
self or persona per se
that developed a long time ago
to actually fit into your familiar
familiar dynamic
so you don't need anyone to initiate this
your subconscious initiates this through neuroception
it scans the surrounding area
picking up certain environmental cues sounds
smells
everything gets filtered down and chunked up to oh
goodness I'm in this space
this is what is required of me to be safe
and so you end up
reverting to behaviours that were normal back then
but might not be normal now
0:50 you're acting like a seven year old
and you might be in your 30s
40s or even 50s it happens so quickly
you'll notice that your your stance changes
the way that you stand the way that you're breathing
the way that you're feeling
the way that you introduce yourself
your entire state shifts in accordance to this
and it's all subconscious
and a great way to frame this is
your body isn't asking who you are now
it is asking who do I need to be in this moment
so that I can stay safe
you don't change around your family
because they said something
you change around your family
because your body is remembering who you had to be
to belong
and as a child you weren't choosing authenticity
you were choosing survival
and there's this trade off that takes place
as humans we have two fundamental
non negotiable biological needs
one for attachment and one for authenticity
to be able to express the nervous system
makes a ruthless calculation for survival
and you'll notice that shame
ends up coming to the equation
once again
and so you ended up sacrificing truthful connection
your authentic emotional expressions
and feelings of anger sadness
joy excitement
when expressed
made your caregivers rather uncomfortable
and it may have caused them to pull away
or conflict to arise and because of you being a child
and this being a non negotiable
you chose attachment and safety
over authentic expression
and so
you have to sacrifice that authentic part of yourself
to break it into steps you've got authentic expression
caregiver withdrawal and then your system overrides
it says oh goodness
I'm in a bit of a pickle here
and your authenticity then gets suppressed
and you eventually
get your need met through secure attachment
with your caregivers
complying with what they deem to be appropriate
in terms of how you act how you feel
how you speak how you show up
why is it that this still lives in your body
why does this pattern repeat
every time you walk through those doors
sometimes
even just answering a phone call or getting a text
you will naturally revert to that persona
to that role self that was accepted
the one that had to put its authenticity to the side
in order to connect to feel secure
and at the end of the day
it's essentially because we still have the same body
as when you were a child
you still have the same nervous system
this is baked in there
and we have this incredible mechanism
which causes us to generalize
early lessons in childhood
to keep us safe
so we take all these little bits of data
we chunk it up
and we associate a feeling and an action behind it
and so we adapt
and then this just becomes part of our default settings
it's
something that is essentially trying to keep you safe
and have your basic fundamental needs to be met
your body developed certain protector parts
parts that would shut down certain emotions
so when you do enter these spaces
or have these conversations or interactions
you naturally shut down certain parts of your
expression of self and it's because you are deploying
a defensive mechanism
because of a trigger that is coming to play
and that's why it might be so difficult
to have that hard conversation
to express that anger but underneath all of that
you're sitting with this resentment
and all these feelings that have been built up
and you just want to scream and express and share it
but you don't know how to'cause the minute you want to
it's like everything shuts down
it's like you're a completely different human being
wanting to have this very important conversation
and
and it's really interesting'cause I've noticed this
in session when I'm sitting there across someone
and they are talking through this
they've done a lot of self help
they've read all these books
they can understand it consciously
but the minute they have to
stand in front of that person
within this context
and they have to express themselves
it is if this there's this wall
and it's just this switch that goes off
and that there is the root cause
that's that's the part that we need to bridge the gap
so that you can feel safe
enough and you can support yourself
so when you are wanting to express
when you are wanting to
be that authentic version of yourself
you can
in no matter what environment you're stepping into
so to sum that up
your adult mind might know that you're safe
but your body is still essentially
running the same script
and something that's been shared more often than not
is this idea of feeling really small
you step in and everything feels bigger
and your eyes widen and you feel weaker
you feel this emotional regression take place
and it's because you're triggered
by your family's inability to see
this more evolved version of self
and something that I've learnt is emotionally
immature families relate to each other through roles
rather than true individuality
and this regression
that takes place is fueled by this hope
that you will be seen and accepted
by your family members if you play your role perfectly
and again
an immature family dynamic is focused on the role
not the individual
and that makes a massive difference in being seen
and actually having that intimacy
being met the thing that you're craving
and you'll find that there's a cycle
you enter into the family environment
you have communication connection
whatever the case is
there is this reactivation of this healing fantasy
if I play my role as X y
and Z I will be accepted
seen and loved
and you have probably done your best to be a
perfectionist
in this process you've ticked all their boxes
and you're waiting for that validation
that's all that you're asking for
your inner child is craving that
then what ends up happening is reality
there's emotional immaturity within your family dynamic
there's basically
a limiter on the emotional capacity of your family
there's then this collision of reality
so you have this fantasy
and you have what's actually happening
and right now your family has emotional limitations
so you're not gonna be seen
that need is not gonna be met
you're not gonna be validated
so the next thing that happens is
your confidence takes a massive knock
and so you fall from Grace
as this wise adult
that's put all this work into themselves
and knows themselves it's done all the work
and you end up progressing as a child
and so this pattern just repeats on and on and on
and there might still be this little part of you
that just says
if I get this right
then maybe it'll be different this time
maybe it'll feel different
maybe I'll be seen and to be honest
it's just one of those narratives that becomes
more painful the longer it goes on
so just to address this
with what I've seen and what I've experienced
is you're gonna have to put this to bed
and recognize that
you can do as much work on yourself as possible
but to assume or to expect other people to change
as much as you have
it's just not on the table focus on you
how do you stay yourself without shutting down
well the first step is shifting those goal posts
because right now you might be seeking a deep
intimate relationship from your family
from your parents from your partner
whatever the story is
and now we needing to shift that to ideally a
a safe relatedness
which looks rather different
you're now lessening expectations of others
and meeting people where they can be met
and not expecting them to meet you
that gap causes so much suffering
when you're expecting them to meet you at what
what you're looking for if they have yet to see
and meet those parts of themselves
so here's a basic operating manual that you can use
as a reflective tool
depending on if you're able to prevent
so this is before and during
or if you're a bit in the red zone
and you are reacting
things that you can actually do practically
to just create a little bit of space
and to bring yourself back into that space of safe
relatedness versus this intimate expectation of
this is a healthy family dynamic
so tool one is observation over absorption
the idea is to step back internally
and this is
looking at this from perspective of this is happening
versus this is about me the key here is
you're not having to enter every dynamic
just because it's familiar
the next tool would be drop the need to be understood
shift from needing to be in a relationship
to just relatedness
it takes a lot of pressure off you and them
in coincidentally and essentially
it becomes the thing where
you're not the one that's having to carry the past
let alone fix the past in this moment
so you've just unburdened yourself
and take in that burden basket and put it aside
and you don't need to have them see you fully
in order for you to not abandon yourself
so that's the invitation there
being able to put those things down
and just within yourself stay within your power
the next tool would be somatic regulation
to work with your body in real time
I like to utilize the physiological sigh
I think it's just really simple
so it's a double inhale so it's a inhale once pause
inhale again
until you completely fill to the brim with air
pause for a moment and then just exhale
purse your lips
and exhale for a count of five or longer
so to demonstrate it's
and Excel
just notice
the body sinks into where it is at this moment in time
you really are activating
the parasympathetic nervous system
you're just saying that you're safe
everything is OK
it's OK to be where you are in this moment
and the fourth tool is just internal regulation
which is acknowledging the part of you
or the parts of you that are wanting to be seen
and these are the parts that are typically shrinking
getting defensive
getting frustrated or angry essentially
your nervous system is just trying to help
all of you collectively and keep you all safe
so you as the conscious pilot of
all these younger parts of you
you get to reparent yourself in this process
notice the physical shrinking
you can internally just say
hi to that part without judgement
just thanking that part for
keeping you safe when you were a kid
bringing forth a reminder that you are an adult now
that you're safe and you can step back
and essentially
what you're wanting to do is update your system to
I was a regressed child to I'm now a safe adult
this isn't about blaming your family
it's not about cutting people off
it's about recognizing when you stop being yourself
in order to stay and feel connected
and slowly learning that
you do not have to do that anymore
because real connection
doesn't require you to disappear first
and if this resonates there's a deeper layer to this
I've put together a power leak scorecard
which helps you see where you're leaking energy
where you're not clear
where you're lacking internal capacity
and the link is in the description
and if you've been doing this work
or if this is new to you just wanna first
firstly recognize you as an individual
it it takes a lot to ask these questions
or to continuously pursue more
in a deep understanding
thank you for listening and before you move on
just notice where you are
not where you think you should be
not what you need to fix or figure out just here
because the shift isn't in taking more with you
it's in what you stop carrying the tension
you didn't realize you were holding the pressure
you've normalized
the version of you that's been performing
rather than living
if something landed for you today
let it land fully
not as something to act on immediately
but as something to see clearly
because clarity changes how you move without force
and from there everything else tends to organize itself
work resonates you'll know where to find us
and if it doesn't that's okay too
what matters is that you leave here
a little more honest with yourself
than when you arrived
know that you have the ability to make the shift
and we'll meet you again when you're ready
until then