EP29: The Price of Peace: Rejection, Regulation, and Realness (Part 2)

Everyone loves the idea of being authentic—until it asks something of you.

In this episode, Nick and Karis dive into the real cost of authenticity: rejection, discomfort, and the vulnerability that comes with being truly seen.

They unpack how nervous system regulation shapes our ability to live and speak truth, why discernment is the quiet twin of authenticity, and how to navigate relationships when your growth triggers others.

Through lived examples, practical nervous system wisdom, and heartfelt reflection, they explore how to hold your truth without performance—and how peace becomes the ultimate payoff for courage.

Key Takeaways

1. Authenticity always costs something—approval, comfort, or predictability—but the price of pretending is higher.
2. True authenticity starts in the body. Regulation precedes discernment, and nervous system safety allows real expression.
3. You can’t be authentic without vulnerability. Stop performing for belonging and start expressing from calm truth, not chaos.

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Nick: @vonpitt

Karis: @karis_topkin

Transcript

welcome to your Frequency Shift podcast
I'm Nick I'm Paris
together we help founders
leaders and families recalibrate life
love and business at the level that actually matters
your nervous system and your frequency
in this space
we speak honestly about the things that drain you
and the practices that
restore you from relationships and polarity
to leadership and legacy we strip it back
so that you can show up fully alive
at home and in the boardroom
whether it's the two of us
or powerful guests joining in
this podcast is here to help you shift
hello everyone
and welcome back to part 2 of our series
on authenticity and yeah
last time we unpacked all the inherited scripts
so the stories that shape us
before we even know who we are
and how awareness on those stories
helps us let go of what isn't
and so today we are diving into what happens after that
so what it actually costs to live authentically
because everyone loves the idea of authenticity
until it actually asks something from you
until it asks you to change something
and until it asks
for you to actually be witnessed in that authenticity
because all of these things require vulnerability
and how comfortable are we within that
and um yeah
really excited to dive into this part 2 of this series
it's just interesting
trying to find space for these episodes
when our life has been so full
we've just finished school
holidays with the boys and trying
to squeeze in a podcast between picking up the boys
and a baby napping and next client sessions
and all of the other things that go in between
building a life is just
it's felt mad but um
very grateful for it it's been busy
it's really been busy
and just moving back into authenticity it
it sounds all beautiful and it
it sounds exciting and empowering
and I think a lot of people have also associated
freedom with authenticity
what I found is it's not just freeing
it's also disruptive and it shakes things up
and at the end of the day
authenticity will cost you approval
and it will cost you your sense of belonging
it will cost you the version of you that
everyone's comfortable with
including yourself mm hmm
it's a complete identity shift
and I I will say when
when we've gone through this journey over the years
I think we've also like
stepped into different layers of autonomy
and authenticity as we begin to express ourselves
hundred percent and it's it
it has been one incredible ride
there's a lot of things
you have to get comfortable with
but at the end of the day
the price of pretending is always higher
than what authenticity is asking from you
and it's so interesting
cause when we started and we started saying actually
like I don't like this dynamic
I don't want to go along with this mentality
I don't agree with what's being said
it's like
you feel everybody's eyes suddenly shift onto you
and it's like whoa
whoa Carris
why are you being so problematic
whoa Nick
why are you trying to go against something
that is the way that it is
and it was just interesting how
we lost so many people that we thought were friends um
beyond that it was not even just yeah
like everyone sort of just fell away
the more comfortable we got within living
like what felt authentic to ourselves as individuals
and I think to add to that is
you're relating to other people with a mask on
at the end of the day
actually build a connection through a mask
yeah then it's like
did we actually have a relationship
did we have a friendship
so you remove the mask and I was like
oh goodness you're still wearing your mask
I'm still wearing mine
and if you've taken a bit more of your mask off
it makes that other person uncomfortable cause they
they're unable to place you
and you see them
more intently than what you saw them before
it's like oh goodness
you actually I don't think you're my cup of tea
and you're definitely not gonna be their cup of tea
so naturally it it
it just progresses that way
so when you start being yourself
when you start really being yourself
you're actually holding up a mirror
and the thing with holding up a mirror is
it makes people very uncomfortable
because the second you start living differently
it exposes where someone else isn't free yet
and a lot of the times
and what I've experienced on this journey is
instead of uplifting themselves
people are going to try to pull you down to their level
and it's not because people are necessarily evil
it's just because your
authenticity threatens their comfort
it threatens their life it threatens just everything
the like
their entire way of being
in the life that they're living
it's triggering on so many different levels
when they have to bear witness to that
and I I think it also
I mean from
from my understanding of this
I think there's there's also a component of um
the nervous system and there's a
how can I verbalize this it's like the
the body's truth
which is essentially your nervous system
um
so you know
before you try to be authentic
one may have to ask where am I right now
am I open and regulated or am I protecting
pleasing or freezing and I bring that up is
you know and tie that into that mirror share
because a lot of these individuals
when they are witnessing you
they're not regulated yep
so how how do you
expect someone to authentically express themselves
let alone yourself if you're not in a regulated space
so I wanna share with you a couple of spot check
like questions that you can just run through
which is
does my body feel open or tight as I speak right now
mm hmm
am I sharing to connect or to control
do I feel present in my breath
or am I trying to rush through this moment
so when you notice that tension
it's not failure it's just feedback
and that's the moment to actually pause and to breathe
and to come back into safety before you speak
because discernment begin begins with regulation
and you can't choose clearly
when you're being hijacked
so to live authentically
and to live with discernment
starts with regulation first
when you're in a ventral vagal state
you're grounded you're open and connected
and just bringing in polyvagal theory
for a brief moment um
you end up being able to express calm
a sense of authority connectedness
but when you're in that sympathetic state
as we said earlier you're in that fight flight space or
and authenticity
essentially turns into defensiveness and oversharing
cause you're trying to create a sense of safety
inside of your system
if you're not in that space
then you move into doors will shut down
which is complete disconnect if you take that example
it's actually quite interesting
because people think that vulnerability is that
that you're talking about
where you go to someone
and you're crying on their shoulder
and you're opening up
and talking about all your secrets
that is not essentially vulnerability
vulnerability is also I'm telling you something
and expressing something
I'm showing you a part of my mind and how I think
and a piece of my heart
and it's different to how you think
and you might reject that
and not accept the way that I think
and
there's a level of vulnerability that comes with that
and so authenticity and living from that place it
you cannot be authentic without being vulnerable
and that's why people say that
it is courageous to do that because
you know
the world is always going to prefer a version of you
that fits
that narrative or their own narrative
and authenticity is saying
I'm not auditioning anymore
I'm not doing this anymore
I don't have to
and that is extremely vulnerable
you know it's
it's also being able to stay open
whilst you're doing that
because you know when
when when there is that risk of rejection
when there's risk that risk of embarrassment
if you are not comfortable with that
you would rather reject yourself
your own mind and your way of thinking
and then move back into that self betrayal space
and that's where
that nervous system starts shutting down
and you start fawning
and you start moving into that space
because when you start betraying yourself
and moving into rejection
like your your
by you rejecting yourself
your body rejects you
and this is the thing we have to look at
because rejection is a teacher
embarrassment is a teacher
being called crazy is just feedback to say to
and essentially discernment is
nervous system wisdom in real time
you're getting that instantaneous feedback
just where you're at and if you're able to pause
and if you're able to connect with yourself
you'll see where you're trying to connect from
and what is the need that you're trying to have met
so when you're defending you're looking for safety hmm
when you're oversharing
you're looking for connection and safety
within that connection
it's in like it's in these parenting books
you know there's this one thing of like
what is behind
like what is the need behind what you're doing
in all of your behaviours
if you wanna scream and shout
like what do you what do you actually need
so maybe just checking in with that first
like exactly what you're saying
you know um I think that
discernment they say is the quiet twin of authenticity
so you know
it's also just being able to stand in your own truth
without the armour of performance
and sometimes the most vulnerable thing you can do is
not explain yourself
which is something I'm actively learning
you know oh
you made this massive decision
what was you thinking behind it
you know I think especially as woman
we're taught to justify all of our decisions
and have to run it by someone
or ask for permission for something
or check in and we
don't a lot of the times
we don't necessarily understand that
that's a way of giving your power away
stop explaining yourself you don't have to
you know you just did it accept it and move on
honestly you don't owe anyone an explanation
and look when
when you find that you're in a space of dysregulation
you'll notice that one's ego ends up taking over
so
fight may look like arguing to prove that you're right
flight may look like ghosting or avoiding hard talks
messages
your freeze might look like a silent smile
whilst you're dying inside yeah
you say yes when you mean no
you know let's do the people pleasing thing as well
and essentially
authenticity will only happen when you regulate your
first yourself first
and then you actually respond
so like when I unpack what you're saying
it's that
the work isn't to actually get rid of the ego
or our personality
it's actually to soothe the nervous system
so your ego doesn't feel like it has to defend you
yep and I think that's honestly
such a beautiful space when you get there
because that's where real authenticity lives
it's in that space
between the reaction and the response
and there's a quiet like calm that comes with it
because you have to be present with it
you can't be distracted in it peace yeah
and presence it's so interesting
because now that we have our third baby
there's no you have to be this one
not that we weren't like this with others
but like you cannot be on your phone
you can't be like you have to be so present in like
all of your responses with her
and the way that she like looks for
am I doing this right is this like yeah
it's it's just incredible to be a part of um
to see how reactive and responsive she is
and I think sometimes we're also asking for that
level of presence within ourselves um
yeah this is authenticity isn't easy
and sometimes you need like
you need a backing from yourself
if that makes sense
and you know I just
I just wanna invite this into
into your work life as well
when when you're when you're coming from a space of
you know
pushing and just doing and you're in this fight
flight response or you're avoiding
certain things through procrastination
there there's a clear set of indicators
stating that you are not present
you're not accessing your genius
you're not authentically expressing yourself
in that moment authenticity ties into performance
hmm
if I'm thinking about if I'm hiring people now
working with people I want
I want to know that people are regulated
that they are in their power
that they are sound of mind
body and spirit
they can handle making decisions under pressure
cause skills you can develop
but being able
but being able to actually use those skills effectively
the person the conductor of said skill set
needs to be in the best place possible
and if they are not able to authentically
express themselves IE
meaning that you are not regulated
that you've got these patterns or beliefs
or these old mechanics that are keeping you from
feeling free
feeling and being at peace within side of yourself
and feeling safe enough to express your truth
what do you yeah
I think this is where discernment comes in
you as the person hiring said person
you know I hundred percent
I think back to a couple of years ago
when you were on this train of like
you want to disrupt the system
and you want to shock at like
have this polarizing thing
like that was the the thing that you were doing then
and I just think it's so interesting
knowing what we know now on that because
you know it's easy to get lost in something
when you don't have that discernment
because a lot of the times
the things that you reach for
will feel like something that is truthful or
but it feels good um
but it doesn't mean that it is like the right thing for
when it comes to like
authenticity and discernment example
when I when I go back to that
and I'm not trying to like crap on you in any way
it's just I think
sometimes the ego loves the aesthetic of authenticity
so we've built an entire culture around it
like that whole you know
the red table talk where it's like
oh be real
you need to speak your truth and there's no filters
but like what that is a lot of the times
is rebellion dressed up as authenticity
because true authenticity
it's not about like shocking people
it's not about purposely bringing that like
polarizing thing you know
it's about aligning with your values
quietly and consistently
and if that's the thing that is polarizing to people
then let that be that
but you don't have to go and aim for the
the shocking thing you know
there's another performance
you know so
and that that's the part a lot of
I mean I did the same thing as well you know
exactly the ego wants to perform authenticity
and the soul just wants to live it um
so check your motive and are you expressing your truth
or are you trying to prove that you're different
so here's a couple of action steps
around embodied authenticity
and here's 5 ways to practice authentic
living from the body up
cause it's very easy to get stuck in the head with this
idea of authenticity especially
especially with what you've just expressed
so notice the pull to
please check your body before saying yes
there's a tight jaw that's probably a no
next regulate
then relate one slow breath before you answer anything
emotionally there's like a
so like a three second rule
yes
I think yeah
it's that whole thing of like
before you actually respond
is this like honest necessary and kind
if it's not
silence is probably the most authentic answer with that
hundred percent
rename the fear I'm not being rejected
I'm recalibrating safety
hmm
I'm
I think one of the other things to add on there is also
I'm learning who is safe for my truth
cause that's not for everyone
yep
I like that the next one would be word of the day
so choose one regulating phrase
I'm grounded I'm safe to be seen
I'm enough
and lastly nightly integrity scan
ask yourself
did I speak from calm truth or from chaos today hmm
you know
it's these small course corrections that build up
this level of unshakable authenticity
within ourselves
I think the important part to remember is that
authentic doesn't
being authentic doesn't mean you stop caring
it just means you stop contorting
you can still love people deeply
while staying rooted in who you are
living authentically will always cost you something
be it comfort approval
predictability
but the trade off at the end of the day is peace
and your peace is priceless
so this week when you notice yourself shrinking
or softening your truth just to stay
like
notice where you are performing instead of expressing
and if you catch yourself doing it
don't judge it just breathe and choose again
because authenticity is not a one time act
it's a daily practice
so thanks again
for joining us on the your frequency podcast
and in the next episode
we'll be diving into how one sustains authenticity
the habits the rituals
and the environment that can help you live it
every single day
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until next time keep honouring your truth
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