EP28: It Didn’t Start With You — But It Can End With You

In this opening episode of our three-part Authenticity Series, Nick and Karis dive into the hidden scripts we inherit from our families, culture, and ancestors. From epigenetics and generational trauma to people-pleasing, guilt, shame, and the inner critic — they uncover how much of what we carry was never truly ours to begin with.

This conversation blends personal stories, hard truths, and empowering insights from thinkers like Mark Wolynn, Gabor Maté, Florence Scovel Shinn, and Michael Neill. You’ll walk away with the awareness that while patterns may not have started with you, the power to end them — and to reclaim your authenticity — is in your hands.

Three Key Takeaways

- Inherited Scripts Shape Our Story

Trauma and beliefs can be passed down for generations, but they don’t define your destiny.

Ask yourself: Whose voice do I hear in my self-criticism — and is it really mine?

- Survival Strategies Aren’t Authenticity

People-pleasing, guilt, and negative self-talk may have protected you once, but they keep you from fully living now.

Ask yourself: What label was placed on me that I’m finally ready to release?

- Authenticity Is Unlearning, Not Improving

Coming back to your true self means peeling away false identities and rewriting the script of your life.

Ask yourself: What would authenticity look like if I wasn’t afraid of being the villain in someone else’s story?

If you’re enjoying Your Frequency Shift Podcast, leave a rating on Apple or Google Podcasts—it helps more people discover this work.

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Nick: @vonpitt

Karis: @karis_topkin

Transcript

welcome to your Frequency Shift podcast
I'm Nick I'm Karis
together we help founders
leaders and families recalibrate life
love and business at the level that actually matters
your nervous system and your frequency
in this space
we speak honestly about the things that drain you
and the practices that restore you
from relationships and polarity
to leadership and legacy we strip it back
so that you can show up fully alive
at home and in the boardroom
whether it's the two of us or powerful guest joining in
this podcast is here to help you shift
welcome back to your frequency shift podcast
and I'm here with Nick today
we are starting a three part series on authenticity
and what it means to live from that place
and especially when you want to live a life that's
that's yours not just a patchwork of inherited wounds
and old scripts and so
with this first episode
we're starting with what is your inherited script
what start with
what started with you and what isn't yours
and the title says it all
so much of what we wrestle with
whether it's our negative self talk
and that sense of guilt that never seems to go away
or the toxic relationship
dynamics that keep coming up within our lives
often a lot of it doesn't begin with us
but we are the ones living it
so unless we choose to break these patterns
and these cycles within ourselves
there and what we don't repair we repeat
hundred percent
you know epigenetics
at the end of the day shows us that trauma and stress
can literally be passed down through our DNA
up to seven generations so you might be carrying fear
an addiction
or a pattern that may have started with a grandparent
or a great grandparent
there's a quote by Mark Willin says in
it didn't start with you
we can inherit and unconsciously repeat the trauma
the pain and the feelings that don't belong to us
and that's a game changer
because
the weight you're carrying might not even be yours
but here's the hope
that you can stop the cycle and it can end with you
and I also want everyone listening to note
that this is not coming from a
a victim mindset when we talk about these things
oh you know
we are
the sum of all these things that have happened to us
and you just go with that story
this is about creating awareness on what isn't yours
what is yours and choosing to change that story
so that you can actually
start being in the driver's seat of your own life
and you don't have to accept everything as truth
so please just take this as a grain of salt
you know
but we're also speaking on things on a biological level
because even when you were a baby
growing within your mother's womb
those were the same eggs
that were in your grandmother's womb
and we have to take note of these things
so even if you don't think on some level ah
you don't know how this can be possible
go look at every single study on epigenetics
whether it be in family um
and in human beings or in animal studies
it's there it's biological
it's neurobiological so
it's just also about looking at these things
and really coming from a place of power
and knowing that you can change these things
and it's interesting
cause in a lot of the work that I've done with men
woman a client will say
why do I keep sabotaging myself
when things finally go well
and the answer isn't always in the present
it can be found in the past
and half the time the
the sabotage isn't even their story
like you said
just referring back to the epigenetic side
it's the father's rage that they've inherited
or the mother's shame
or the grandfather's trauma from war
and uh
Gabor Mate puts it beautifully
trauma is not what happens to us
but what happens inside of us
when we are left alone with our pain
and think about it how many generations before us
were left completely alone with theirs
they had no therapy no language
for trauma no safe space to put it
so they just passed it down at a cellular level
they just passed it down and
you know like you said
we might not necessarily identify with
with the idea of epigenetics
but it
can also bring in the nature versus nurture debate
when you start recognizing patterns
within your behavior and with how you perceive things
and patterns even within your state
it's not even just your behavior
it's also how you feel there's patterned feelings
that we tend to experience over time
and that becomes your default
and you'll notice that some people are
happy go lucky some people are depressive in nature um
and no notice in in nature
so it's it's nature versus nurture
so you you have the
you might have these predispositions in place
you might have this cloud
cloud over your head
or this feeling that you cannot escape
this blanket that you're covered in
but when you've cultivated awareness
and you start seeing like okay
well if this is a pattern
or a program that has been passed down yeah
and now that I'm aware of it
instead of it just being a thing of oh
this is a natural thing that we do in our family
people are typically addicted
people are typically depressed
people typically experience mental health issues
everyone in our family is fat
or whatever the case may be
it could be a belief nobody's sick successful yes
all the wives do this
this is just how we do things in our family
so it's
it's also blanket statements that you've accepted
when you start questioning that and saying well
there's a choice within this
if this is a program
if this reality is essentially a construct
I have the ability
to recreate it in an image that I see fit for myself
yeah and that will require an identity shift
a state shift a belief shift
a self perception shift and it
I think you people
don't understand how radical you have to be about this
because our subconscious for majority of our lives
we've treated as a dumping ground or a toilet
you know
there's no sense of like
being careful about what we're putting in there
and nobody takes into account how
how much of the subconscious actually
runs your decision making
and how much it runs your life
so when you start being radical about what you what
what scripts you are accepting in your life
and what you're just accepting people telling you
when people when you
if you've heard the saying
the words you speak become the house you live in
as a man thinketh so is he
all of those things they are so true
your word is your wand
there's so many variations of the saying
but when you
when the light bulb switches on as to
like what people are speaking onto you and around you
you have the choice
to be like actually
I don't accept that what am I allowing into me exactly
yeah and then looking at oh
actually what this is showing me is
where I have a predisposition for
there's a there's a little
I'm thinking the armour like I
I'm not as strong in that place
but that is an area where I can develop
it's not about weakness it's about oh
this is an opportunity to develop
so that's I think when you
when you come back into the driver's seat
you're not a victim in your life
so and if you keep going about it that way
you're going to feel very pathetic
at the end of the day when you go to sleep
and like you're just blowing
with everything that's coming in your way
and you have no idea how to change it
and I like the idea of I think the thing
I mean
there's many different moments for me that shifted it
but
I've recently listened to a podcast by this therapist
who was saying that
she doesn't really call herself a therapist
she calls herself an editor
and as an editor it's her job to help shift the
the words that people are choosing
and the stories that they're telling
about who they are
and that's essentially what this should be
this is an editing process of the story of your life
and the story that you want to tell about yourself
and what you're willing to accept
you get to rewrite those scripts in
in a way that feels congruent to you and true to you
and I actually want to just take a moment here and
invite all the listeners just to pause
and here's a question for you
when you hear that inner critic
that voice inside of your head
whose voice is it
a lot of times people hear their mother or their father
whoever was the
the voice of quote unquote reason or shame within the
the the family unit so hundred percent it's it's
you know a parent or an ancestor or someone that was
that had access to you and be it
you know
there was a the post that I did this week and it was
you know
the first bully most of us ever had was our parents
pain speaking through them
hmm
and it's
it's one of those things where you just sit there
and it's like wow
there's
someone that didn't know what to do with their pain
so they just passed it down
I just think you know
of my own journey with my mother
she always said you know
she is this way
or she never wanted to do certain things because of
yeah there was no self esteem ever being built
or all of these things but then
why was there such a culture of criticism
and judgement within whatever was
done within our home it's because there was no like
ownership of healing of that pain
so it was just like passed down
you know because I didn't have a self esteem
why do you deserve one you know
so so then it moves we
we move this
this conversation along to the point of well
you know
recognize this you you can see some of these scripts
you can see the predispositions that you may have
maybe their statements beliefs
and things that you've actually left unquestioned
so let's let's stay hypothetically
you've done some of the work and you are aware
mm hmm so now it's a question of well
are you gonna accept it or are you going to change it
um and I find this this is quite interesting
so when you make the choice to change
there are a couple of I find that these are
there are three gates
that you typically have to circumnavigate
when you do choose to change in any way
shape or form and particularly with within this space
and
it's
an interesting space to be because you're
you're basically dancing between this parent and
and child dynamic
that you're having to look at the people pleasing
you're having to look at the
the the guilt that comes up from changing
and you're having to look at really taking
accountability for that negative self talk
that comes up as you start navigating the space
it's interesting because I think when
especially when you say accountability
and all of those things
when you're asking parents or caregivers
or the people
that these patterns were passed down from
to actually look at themselves
a lot of the times they don't want to
so they react from a place of pride and defensiveness
because that means that they would have to question
themselves you know
and their own reality that they were not these
like perfect people or parents
and what you're asking
for them is to actually look at themselves
and it's so interesting because uh yeah
I mean a lot of people have gone
no contact with their parents or low contact
and this is something that I've seen across TikTok
where um
people will say that they've gone home
and they've done all this work on themselves
and then as soon as they are in front of their parents
they feel like they're 15 again and they have no voice
and that's where that people pleaser
and all of those things come up again
and so now how do you deal with that dynamic in
in the most practical sense
it's like you have all of that guilt and the the the
the exactly as you mentioned
it's like
but now what do I do with this
so so just to make this a bit more you know meaty um
if we look at defining each of these and the
each of these um
I'd say mechanics mm hmm that
that we all embody so if we gonna create an archetype
the pleaser
so essentially abandonment disguised as connection
so in psychology we
we look at this from as a as a form form response
which is a survival strategy
to avoid rejection and conflict
so Brene Brown shares people the
the definition of people pleasing
it's not kindness
but it's armour if I shape shift into what you want
I won't risk this connection
and one of the things that's gonna come up
when you do have to make this radical decision
to shift and change
is is gonna be disconnection because there's a
there's a there's a differentiation between values
and it becomes more and more clear
it's no longer a we it's an I and yes
you yes and the
the the separation
also means that there's ownership and accountability
um you then move into the
the architect of the but the the judge
which is essentially carrying what isn't yours
so in psychology guilt
to separate guilt and shame is guilt
I did something bad shame is I am bad
I am bad and it's useful when guilt
guilt becomes a tool when it is able to guide change
but it becomes exceptionally toxic
when it becomes this practice of chronic self
punishment and to quote Brene Brown again um
in terms of distinguishing guilt
it's a thing of behavioural accountability
and shame is essentially an identity attack
so one is looking at action
the other one is looking at you
and that's a really clear way to separate the two
so you're gonna go through a dance between guilt
and shame as you're starting to make that separation
but when you start recognising oh wow
like I I can feel that
this is gonna make someone else uncomfortable
because my behaviour is going to change
that's that's guilt
and if you take it deeply personally and you feel like
oh because my identity has shifted
then it's gonna become a thing of shame
that you're holding on to
as you're moving through these changes
and the last bit that I want to touch on
which I believe all of us on some level
shape or form are chronic sufferers of this
which is just the inner critic
the voice that isn't yours
and this is the the a and the the the ants
the automatic negative thoughts
that arise in our space
and that's rooted in our conditioning
meaning all the voices and conversations
you heard from childhood
and this could be self deprecating
self talk and behaviour
and all these distorted beliefs
and normally these are these looping scripts
that we experience of I'm not enough MHM
and these are the
the three pillars that you're going to have to tackle
in in various moments
as you start separating yourself from these scripts
taking ownership and accountability
as you move through this process of
you know individuation individuation
which is a natural part of growing up
and I think sometimes
it's villainized by people who are in a very
mazed situation or in a toxic family dynamic
you know you're not supposed to cleave onto your family
especially when you choose to get married or
or have children with someone you
you that is your new family
you know you can honour and respect your
the family that you came from
but you have a new family that is your responsibility
and I I don't think that
yeah I don't I I don't know
I sometimes think people just think that
you know that whatever family they have and the dynamic
there is just gonna be a continuation of that
and we look at like
movies that have been modelled to us
and that's just what people live
and I saw a stat
stating that 75% of divorces are because of the
in laws
and because
their partners aren't willing to stand up and question
that dynamic you know
and it just begs that to question
that begs to question that cycle
and you know when I
when I think about like my own breaking point
within my own dynamic
I had to um
I chose to go no contact with my parents for a while
and for a lot of with a lot of my family
um and honestly
that decision was brutal it was
one of the most difficult decisions that I've
ever made in my life but I
and I think I carried a lot of guilt
shame and grief with it
because there was this thing inside of me that said
you know
if you're a good daughter you'll
you'll choose to stay you'll keep trying
you'll keep putting in the effort
you'll keep asking all of these things
and then there was one I mean
there was a couple of aha moments after that
but like
there was something inside me that snapped that said
like I cannot be a good mother
and a good daughter at the same time
and I really had to face the truth
because you can explain yourself 1,000 times
but if someone is committed to misunderstanding you
it doesn't matter how you say it
you will always be the villain in that story
and in the dynamic that I grew up in
you know the
the protecting the image or the public yeah
protecting their image and their public perception
mattered
more than the truth of the things that happened
and so there was one day and the
the last time that they visit
my kids said to me you know
are those really your parents
and I said yeah
why and my youngest was like
they don't act like they love you
they don't look at you they don't talk to you
and it really broke my heart
cause that dynamic was normalized for how I grew up
in that like coldness and that distance
but it also woke me up
because I couldn't let my children
and the watchers of this dynamic
and they
they modelling what it means to be human after me
and how I handle it but I didn't want them to grow up
thinking that dysfunction equals love
and that was the line in the sand for me
and so now I can I'm
I'm dealing with whatever the aftermath of it is
but I I feel much better
it was the best thing for my own mental health
and for our own family dynamic to separate from that
and essentially what you did there is
instead of choosing attachment over authenticity
you chose authenticity
meaning you chose yourself over attachment
and it's it's
it's it's baked into our system
that you need to choose this attachment because
you know you need to survive
these are your parents these are
these are the you know
the custodians of you and no matter how old you are
that's that's like built into your
your psyche um
but as as you begin to self identify and really
you know individuate uh
and see yourself separate
and see yourself as the custodian of other little
beings let alone the custodian of your own life it
it begins to shift the narrative
it's like oh wow the
the weight and expectation
that I had placed upon myself
for these people it's actually not mine
that that's a
that's a that's a you thing
not a we thing
um
so I think it's a
it's an incredible space to
to find yourself in when you
when you can see the
the gift within that for yourself
because what you get to give yourself
and what you get to give your own kids
by making a radical decision like that is
that's it it you
you can't necessarily measure it right now
no I know
but it's only
it's only when you get to see the fruits of your labor
when your kids are in their 20s and 30s
and how they're navigating life
and your relationship and connection with them
I also just wanted to say
a lot of the times
the people on the other side of it are
think that you know
the children who make the decision to cut off contact
are trying to punish them
or being vengeful and I promise you
it is not done from a vengeful space
it's done from a space of trying to make you feel safe
and it's done from a space of Protection
it's not vengeful or any of those things
and you know
I think
when I think about the cycle in families and the roles
and the labels that have been handed down
like the whole narrative of you're the lazy one
you're the angry one you're the problem child
you're oh
you're such a perfectionist or you're this
the scary thing with the subconscious mind
and this is why I say
people have been using the subconscious
as a dumping ground the subconscious does not argue
it just accepts
the subconscious doesn't have a sense of humour
it just accepts what you tell it
and Florence Scovel Shin wrote
the subconscious mind accepts the words spoken over it
so when someone calls you lazy
unworthy or too much or not enough
that word becomes the inner script
and it plays on repeat
until you convince yourself it's the truth
and then because you've accepted it as truth
life will in turn
show you and cement in that truth
and show you how that is true
you know
now even if we look at the destructive things
like addictions and anger
and these self sabotaging patterns
Gabor Mate
reminds us that these began as coping mechanisms
they were survival strategies
addiction isn't about the drug or the drink
it's about escaping pain
anger isn't about lashing out
it's about protecting a tender part of yourself
anger is a protective mechanism
so you know
survival strategies don't equal or
authenticity I'll say that again
survival strategies do not equal authenticity
they just keep you alive and sooner or later
if you're wanting to live
not just survive you have to rewrite that script
so ask yourself
what labels were spoken over me that I've carried
like an identity and who would I be if I laid them down
hmm free baby
you would be free so that's the first thing so
you know choosing authenticity
what does that actually look like
you know moving into the next part of this
which is for me it wasn't about building a new self
it was about unlearning the false selves
it was about unlearning who I I thought I was
you know and at 33
for the first time I feel like
it's the first time I actually like who I am
I like how I do things I like how I think
and it didn't just happen
because I discovered something new
it happened because I finally let go of the things that
firstly weren't mine to carry
and I Learned about oh
actually this lights me up
this doesn't light me up and and moved from there and
apologetically and yeah
I think this is where you know
there's another book that I like
which is the courage to be disliked
and it speaks a lot about just owning who you are
and how you move through the world
without making excuses or apologies for how you do it
you just go and it is so freeing
exactly you know
authenticity isn't self improvement
it's just remembering the self
and it's you being able to peel back those layers
and return to the call that
that innate sense of well being
Michael Neal always talks about innate well being
mm hmm and I
I truly believe in that like
you're perfectly imperfect
you are if you just look at yourself without the layers
the patterning the conditioning
there's nothing wrong with you
yeah there really isn't
and being able to recreate that
that fresh canvas to repaint yourself
mhm with all the colour and all the creativity
and all the passion and all the joy
I think everyone deserves that
but it requires you to take some uncomfortable steps
and also
let go of a lot of the things that aren't serving you
I look at our side baby right now
who's a year and a half
and how she moves through the world and
you know the loudness in the steps that she takes
and in her voice and all of these things
and it's so interesting
cause she has this look of just like
it's unbridled
joy and innocence and curiosity and discovery
and I think how much of us
as grown UPS are trying
and working so hard to get back to that state
like that's the blank state for us
you know so it's so interesting to
to like look at a physical embodiment of what uh
you're trying to achieve exactly
even within our older children
but it's almost like you know
the older you get the more like the weight of life
and you feel like
you have to distance yourself from that innocence
and it's not you really don't
you don't have to I feel like for the first time
I think I'm getting my second childhood now
and I'm getting to do it in a way that I wanna do it
you know but as a grown up was so responsible for
hundred percent um
look at something that always just
comes to mind especially not being a parent um
you find that your children always watching
and they are absorbing how you live
what you tolerate
what you allow to define you and
how you how you carry yourself throughout the world
it's not do as I say it's do as I do
yes and I've seen this time and time again
and you know
just bringing a little bit of the nervous system in you
when when you're in a chaotic state
and if I find if I haven't been able to plug in
in the mornings
oh good Lord
it's a tornado of chaos after that
it is not just you but like the whole house
the whole house so
and I think it's it's so important
like your your energy is infectious
so it's it's a thing of if
if it can create that amount of chaos
or distortion within everyone else's space
imagine
carrying that level of chaos throughout your life
into your business into your relationship
into your parenting into your friendships
into yourself cause you're living with it
you're living within that
you know controlled or uncontrolled chaos
your idea of normal
um
and I I look at that and I say well
having the awareness to be able to make the shift
and come back into our into my space
I'm like okay
I I can reset and I can start again
our parents didn't necessarily have the language
that we have
and it we're not excusing that
we're not excusing
but they maybe didn't necessarily have the language
or know how to
express it in the same in the same way
but it it doesn't mean that
we don't hold people to account
yeah of their action or inaction
I I think what's been removed now is like
that shame component because it's been so normalized
like everybody talks about it now
we have access to TikTok and Air AI and Google
and all of these things versus like
then they had books
but there were people writing about this
this is not a new concept
no kindness and treat
treating people with human decency
is something that transcends time
and also race and class and all of these things
this is a basic thing that's always been there
hundred percent but I
I will say specific and I'm
I'm speaking particularly to millennials
at this moment in time um
we we might find ourselves between generations
we've seen the old world and we've seen the new world
and we've had to adapt I think we
we're in a very interesting space
um and I know it from a lot of millennials that I've
I've worked with over the years
um they
they really are doing their best to take on this
responsibility and finding a way to
to dance between ownership responsibility
boundaries and doing better and
incredible to see how many individuals are
are juggling as much as they are on their plates
and still making the choice
I think it's also
just really looking at the definitions of things
because you know
even just the word forgiveness is such a weighty thing
because for a Gen X or a Boomer
forgiveness means something completely different to us
as millennials
cause we also don't have the same threshold for shit
that I'm sorry for my French
but like
boomers and Gen X's are able to just take a lot more
and this I don't think that
and they'll always say how
our generation is so sensitive
and all of those things and I'm like
but we should be because what did you fight for
you know if we were not more
it should be easier for us
otherwise what was the point of all
things you went through
hundred percent
and it's the same thing for my children
it should be easier for them
thank god it's easier for them because what
what did I go through the things I went through
and the thing is your your
the owning of patterns
the rewriting of patterns the doing better
the improvements
like I want to leave you with less of my baggage
exactly
and one day when you come to me and you say listen dad
like you failed at this I'll own it
it's it's
it's taking complete and
accountability and responsibility
and said I
I did my best and you know what
I get that and I'm sorry I'm a human being
I'm a human being I and I I can mean it from the bottom
and would you like to ask me more about that
that's the
that's the conversation I want to invite here
um
so if we really bring this back to authenticity
if authenticity is unlearning what
what part of yourself needs to be unlearned first
and what new word or what new script
are you willing to speak over yourself
like as an example you know
even just something simple like oh
you know there's always something happening
why does it always have to be something happening
in your space you know
why can't you just say oh
you know this
there's so many just
there's so many good things happening
cause when you iterate something
like there's always something happening
there's like a bad sense of like
impending doom and gloom around the corner
the whole time
and there's almost this mentality of like
expecting the worst to happen
and I promise you
it takes as much energy to expect the best
than it does to expect the worst
so
just shifting that narrative is a really powerful one
and you know
as we close this podcast
I'd really like to leave you with three questions
for you to journal with
and sit with in your own self reflection
so number one
which is whose voice do I hear in my self criticism
two is
what label was placed on me that I'm ready to release
and the third one is what would authenticity look like
if I wasn't afraid
of being the villain in someone else's story
hundred percent
and I love this idea you know
you don't have to live the story you inherited
mm hmm you do get to write your own
so we'll see in part 2 in the next episode
so thank you for being with us
on your Frequency Shift podcast
every shift begins with awareness
so if you're ready to see
where your energy is being drained
start with the free Energy Leak Scorecard at Frequency
coaching.com and when you're ready to go deeper
our coaching retreats are there to help you embody
the clarity presence and power you were built for
until next time keep honouring your truth
protecting your energy
and living in the frequency of who you really are
you can make the shift