EP20: Parenting 101: Building Emotional Resilience in Parents & Kids with Annaliese Erin, Parenting Coach

Welcome back to Your Frequency Shift podcast! In today’s episode, we sit down with parenting and trauma coach, Annaliese Erin, who shares profound insights on fostering emotional resilience, handling tantrums with empathy, and building stronger connections with your children. Whether you're a seasoned parent or new to the parenting journey, Annaliese’s unique approach offers practical tools for overcoming emotional hurdles and creating a loving, supportive environment for your family.

Dive into the conversation as we explore brain development, emotional regulation, and how to navigate those challenging parenting moments with grace. Annaliese’s wisdom has transformed lives—including ours—and we’re excited to share her magic with you!

Join us as we explore:

• How to navigate your child’s emotional outbursts with empathy and validation
• The importance of emotional resilience for both parents and children
• Practical strategies for maintaining your calm when parenting gets tough

3 Key Takeaways for Listeners:

1. Emotional Regulation Practices: Set reminders throughout the day to check in with your feelings and reset your emotional state so that you can approach difficult parenting moments calmly and clearly.
2. Empathy and Boundaries: Learn to validate your child’s emotions while maintaining clear boundaries. For example, express understanding of their frustration while guiding them to appropriate behaviour.
3. Brain Development Awareness: Recognize that children’s brains develop at different rates, and their inability to regulate emotions or focus is often a matter of growth, not disobedience. This knowledge helps you manage your expectations and responses more effectively.

If you're ready to create meaningful change within yourself, I invite you to explore our Private Coaching Program. This experience is designed to elevate not only your mindset but also your life and business, empowering you to live with greater impact and purpose. Reach out to begin your transformation.

Connect with Annaliese Erin:

Website: Annaliese Erin Parenting Coach
Instagram: @annalieseerinparentcoach

If you’re enjoying listening to Your Frequency Shift Podcast, please leave a rating on Apple or Google Podcasts.

Free 5-Part Workshop - Master your Mindset + Emotions:
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1:1 Private Coaching:
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Connect with us on Instagram:

Nick: @vonpitt
Karis: @karis_topkin

If you are curious about exploring yourself and your infinite potential, reach out.

www.yourfrequencyshift.com

Sending you love!

Transcript

Frequency Coaching: Hi guys. Welcome back to the frequency shift podcast where we dive into real conversations that every parent and partner needs to. Yeah. And today we've got something really special land up for you and with a US season parent or just stepping into this wild ride of parenting, they are always new challenges around the corner and exciting things as well. And trust me, I know first and now overwhelming it can be to juggle what and family and personal growth and that's why we're so beyond excited to introduce our guest today, which and she's not just any parenting coach. She is Annaliese Erin. So if I parenting, and trauma coach, who is dedicated to helping parents both stronger and more connected relationships with their children fostering emotional intelligence and guiding you through tough conversation. So Annaliese has been an integral part of

Frequency Coaching: transforming so many lives of families everywhere and not just

Frequency Coaching: Everyone else, but also a part of ours. So, we've been working with Annaliese for the last couple of months and it has been life-changing for us. And that's why we're so excited to have on our podcast today. And, the one thing is, if you think, I've got this parenting thing under control, there's always something that comes in and it's Think again. And that's what I love so much about the strategies and the advice that Annaliese's office because it's not just advice. It's about tapping into that deeper understanding and empowering you both, you and your children and I'm looking all new level of connection with your family. So I have been diving into her content and all the insights that you bring have been and valuable Annaliese. So thank you for all of it. Whether it's about navigating tantrums or building trust. I'm really Brazil with your

Frequency Coaching: And I actually showed Nick a screenshot of one of your programs that I did. I screenshot today about two years ago when you content on tiktok and I just thought Wow what a full circle moment be having you joining us here today. thank you so without whether this welcome Annaliese, Erin to frequency shift.

Annaliese Erin: Thank you so much for having me.

Frequency Coaching: And we also have another gift today of a little four month old as So in the background it is what it is. I have a Velcro baby. And this is just what life is looking like, right now.

Frequency Coaching: Yeah, you can thank you Annaliese. Just for taking the time, we also know it's getting to and an interesting time and in your space as well. So just for making time, we truly appreciate the space and just to start everything off. If you can. Just share a little bit about just who you are and how you essentially got into the work that you're in at this moment in time.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah, So who I am at the moment is a partner, and I'm also a stepmom. So we have a blended family of five children. We have a two five year olds in a six year old. A lot of challenges along the way as we go. The way actually got into, this was interestingly enough, I had decided that I was not going to be a parent and then about two or…

Frequency Coaching: 

Annaliese Erin: three weeks later found out. I was actually six weeks pregnant. Info there really through a spinner in the works. because I had been raised quite religious in my mind. There was really no other option other than to have this baby, And I just remember spending the first half of my pregnancy. Sitting there kind of just feeling stuck like I don't know how to be a parent. What I did know is looking at my childhood, it was full of what I believed was a lot of disconnection.

00:10:00

Annaliese Erin: A lot of I felt really misunderstood as a child in a new that I didn't want my child to feel that way. But you grow up with a student way of parenting. You don't see other ways to parent. And then one day I remember my daughter's dad did it's fine. I'll just do all the disciplining and I'll just do all the parenting and you just have to feed her. I remember thinking …

Frequency Coaching: Wow.

Annaliese Erin: Hang on. I don't want that either. I don't want to be the big thing period. I remember there were times when I was a child there my mom would say things like Just wait till your day got home And I just thought it was a cop out. And I remember thinking I don't want to be that parent. I want to be involved, I want to know what to do and it just led me down to I just say Googling how to be a good parent and what should parents do when this happens, And one of the things that was really important to me was learning how to regulate my emotions because I grew up with a parent who yelled and I know how much that affected me growing up and I didn't want to be that. So eventually I got so obsessed with the topic that I ended up studying it and making videos on it. And here we are today.

Frequency Coaching: wow, I've resonated with that because I mean, we look quite young when we had our kids as well, and I think for us both of our parents, wanted to

Frequency Coaching: Because we were so young when I felt pregnant with no, they thought. Okay, let's poop in and take over and do it.

Annaliese Erin: MMM.

Frequency Coaching: How you guys will raise and instinctually. There was this thing within both of us. That was just like, no ways we're not doing it that way. And I don't want to continue the cycle of what everyone has been living and it's so interesting how it starts way. it's kind of like your pushed up against the wall and you can't express well, in our case sometimes you just can't express what it is. But, there has to be another way of doing this.

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: And then you're looking for that model, you're looking for, is this even rational, or reasonable in some way, shape, or Is there any one that's been parented or had a different experience compared to yourself and that's kind of what got us into just self development? To be honest,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: just realizing

Frequency Coaching: This is a major area that needs to be looked at differently. and it's so interesting how when you're growing up and before you become a parent and when you don't know any differently, you don't think that there might have been something wrong or I think when you actually become a parent and when you're raising your children and you see these little people wearing your face to a certain degree,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: It's like you can sort of see how it's almost like. okay, as a child I can forgive you growing up in that house. But as a parent, I don't understand. You…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: and I think that's the driver for a lot of people to break the cycle but we just don't know where to start or how to start. and I think sometimes people will look at all the information online and…

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: be so overwhelmed with

Frequency Coaching: all of that. and It is like I said in the beginning, parenting is a wild ride, that will show you who you are and not just like, who you are, but who everyone else is around you. it's this catalyst that takes up these rose tinted glasses. And when you're asking yourself, the question of how do I do this in a better way? How can I become better?

Frequency Coaching: But people just don't know where to start and I can say this on a personal note, as much as we've been working in the personal development parent As always been the most vulnerable journey for myself and for Nick as well because it exposes you everything,…

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: it's the underbelly of why you are the way that you are and…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah. No.

Frequency Coaching: no one necessarily look at that. And do you?

Frequency Coaching: The same for your children. So in,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: in saying that I'm just from your experience having, sat on the side, where you observing? So many different parents and individuals like looking for answers in the space? And what do you find are the most common themes that parents are struggling with nowadays?

00:15:00

Annaliese Erin: Yeah, I would say these two really common things. The first one is always emotions. how do they cope with their own emotions? And how do they cope with their child's big emotions? Because we weren't taught how to do that. And the second one is one of the most common questions I get or people coming to me. It's like, Why doesn't my child listen to me, Those two ones very much into intertwined.

Frequency Coaching: 

Annaliese Erin: And it's almost like they come with the other one. And so, I believe that when it comes to regulating your emotions, it's hard because we haven't been taught You…

Frequency Coaching: 

Annaliese Erin: I didn't even hear That sentence regulating your emotions. I swear until I was 30 years old and I was doing my own research. I thought they were born calm or they weren't born calm. And I was not born calm. That was my belief.

Frequency Coaching: What? sorry. I was just gonna say, all the other thing is that? It's your fault. If they're not calm. So you're that whole codependent space of that your responsible for everyone else who's emotions around you. So,

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: Absolutely. And so when it comes to trying to learn how to regulate your own emotions, for me, the first step is trying is Learning…

Frequency Coaching: In.

Annaliese Erin: how to Look Internally. So, you know how you feel because so many people come to me and they say, I think that I'm fine. And then out of nowhere, I'm yelling at my child or I just explode, and they're like, I go from zero to 100. And to that, I always suggest. Sit alarms on your phone throughout the day even if the silent or they're just on vibrate. And when that comes up, I want you to focus on. How are you feeling internally?

Annaliese Erin: Are you a little bit stressed hints? Are you feeling good? Just check in with yourself and then do an actionable step for about 30 seconds a minute to get yourself back to a calm base, whether that's taking a few deep breaths, whether there's getting up and going outside, whether that's telling yourself, I'm safe, I'm okay. and just talking yourself or reassuring yourself and to a karma place and you want to be doing this multiple times a day, When you come because you're not going to be able to use that tool until your body. Recognizes that as familiar and only then when it recognizes it as familiar because you have consistently practiced, will you be able to bring it into really triggered moments?

Annaliese Erin: So it's really turning inward and noticing, when I'm stressed my shoulders are tense or my stomach feels queasy on my chest feels tight or My face is hot. You have to notice how you respond to situations. And that means stepping out of autopilot. And chicken in with yourself internally. Now, when it comes to the second problem of, Why doesn't my child listen to me? I find that a lot of it is actually

Frequency Coaching: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: brain development. They don't really understand how a child's brain works and it's not the same as Al's works. Yeah, a child's brain is very immature. They do not have impulse control. They don't have emotional regulation, they struggle with memory, focus and attention and that part of their brain, doesn't even start developing until they're around six years old. And we're trying to get three year olds to come down, and it's just, we're asking too much of them. and so, when it comes down to getting them to listen, You have to understand because their brain is so immature. They're going to be easily distracted. They're going to be an impulsive.

Annaliese Erin: And so we work with it, we have to remove the distractions, we have to get in close. We have to get down to the level. We have to make eye contact. We have to give the request and then if we see that they're struggling, we take their hand and we guide them to what they need to be doing. right now, if they're a little bit older, you can probably allow them to go up and do things on their own, but just understand if you catch them off playing, or doing something completely different, they're not trying to ignore you. They don't want to not listen. Nobody chooses a path that ends with their parent yelling or punishing them.

00:20:00

Annaliese Erin: Their brain has simply got distracted and they haven't been able to get back on track and they need your help. They need you to take their hand and say, Hey, you really want to play. I understand first. Need to do this and come back to that space. And I think for you as parents to be able to do that, we have to make sure that we're not taking the actions personally. okay, so please,…

Frequency Coaching: I was just about.

Annaliese Erin: if we take it personally That listening to me, they're ignoring me. They're doing this on purpose, we're gonna react from that place. And s them doing things to us, it's about Their brain development and as they get older, they'll be able to listen better and…

Frequency Coaching: Okay.

Annaliese Erin: be able to do things on their own.

Frequency Coaching: But with that exact point, that something that I used to struggle with deeply, I felt like my mother.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: Then did How can I press this button really today, and get response that I want from Dead or Mom. But it's not malicious. and this is the thing. And, now having another baby, I always get ours why she could baby. And it's the same thing, it's like he is not going to go out there and think, I'm not going to make my parents sleep tonight. I'm gonna keep them away the whole night.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: And I'm going to cry and I'm gonna do all these things to make Life exceptionally difficult. So nobody goes out to do that, but I think sometimes when our kids grow out of that, baby phase, we immediately slap this thing of …

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: you are a free thinking adult and you need to follow every instruction that I have because the same thing was done to us with no explanation as to why it's just because I said so

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: And is this really great expectation that we automatically apply as that was the norm for us. You just had to figure things out and I think this ties beautifully into the next question which is emotional resilience because that's one of the components that I think there was either a thing of dissociation that had to take place or you just had to put blinders on and you just focus on listening executing How do you start to establish that within your kids? And I'd even say within yourself in a healthy manner if you have maybe come from a background where

Frequency Coaching: It was this expectation on how you conduct yourself are not only a physical manner but also in an emotional plane as well. what does that look like? And how would you start with that process? So that when emotions, do arise that there's a better understanding. Like you said, you only heard of emotional regulation at 30 plus, But that becomes the norm, that's an understanding like, okay, I can move from this space of disease.

Annaliese Erin: So first of all, I believe it starts with the parent. being able to be resilient with their own emotions because if you don't feel like you are capable with uncomfortable emotions, you're going to be extremely Uncomfortable with your child's emotions and when that happens, we usually do. One of two things we try to appease the child and just give them whatever they want to make them stop. Or we do the opposite and we try and shut that emotion down by just, I've got to stop this and we end up yelling and reacting. But emotional resilience is almost like the offset of what we've been taught. in this world we've been taught that we can reproduce our emotions then that's where we're being Resilient. It's actually just emotional avoidance.

00:25:00

Annaliese Erin: To become resilient we have to learn how to go through it. We have to work our way through it, which means It is our job to allow the emotion and hold the boundary. Okay, so it's like cry. They can be upset. However, they cannot destroy property. and no, they probably still won't get their way, You can't have a cookie before dinner, We're just about to eat and the more you capable of holding boundaries and staying calm, the more your child learns that, it's a safe place to let out their emotions and be you are watching what you're doing and that and as time goes on their learning.

Annaliese Erin: Mum or Dad is not afraid of my emotions. So I don't need to be afraid of my emotions. I just need to let them out and then, We become solution focused. Okay. what do we need to do, right? We need to get you up at the table because it's time for dinner.

Annaliese Erin: And so it comes back down to you. Being feeling capable. And you being emotionally resilient. And the parent being able to connect and hold the boundary and over time as your child grows up. And that's a consistent action that you take Then that they will become emotionally resilient but it starts with the parent.

Frequency Coaching: It's so interesting. You say that I mean in somatic, experiencing therapy. This is something that they say, the goal isn't to have a calm nervous system is to have a dynamic nervous system and I think it's the same thing. Yeah. It's not about being did Pan and all one tone with things. So yeah, it's about being able to move with whatever is happening in the space,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: into allow your kids to feel safe in that. Because sometimes I think, you witness how big it is within your children and then it almost triggers this response within you of no, no, that's And so that's why I think a lot of parents try to put it away because that you learn throughout your own life. And this is what I mean, I said parenting is an extremely vulnerable journey, that exposes all the things that

Frequency Coaching: That you haven't looked at and I mean if you allow it, it can be such a beautiful and healing journey that you can all go on together depending on what type of family dynamic people went. And I think if you're listening to this, the biggest thing is having a deeper connection with yourself and your children and trying to continue that cycle versus the one that we've all been on before majority of us has been on. And I also want to say on the note of the brain development, it's so interesting because that was blowing for us to listen to you when you said it because I mean, when you're 26 and onwards, or 27, when that brain part of your brain does develop, it's almost like a light switches on inside of you and…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: it's like,

Frequency Coaching: Okay, I'm this and I like this and I still don't listen as a 32 year old. I thought Okay, So I think it's difficult sometimes when we place expectations, that we don't even have for ourselves on our children.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah, absolutely.

Frequency Coaching: one of the biggest things that, Really helped me while we were working with you was just recognizing my children as they are because there was almost this realization of I'm not any different from who I was when I was a child I've met child yes. My perspectives of shifted. Yes, I like life has life but I'm still myself and my children are still going to be themselves and it's important to honor that versus to try and make them these employees who listen to every single thing and execute because that's not what you want, And I think a lot of parents have very strong world.

00:30:00

Frequency Coaching: Deeply feeling children these days and they don't know what to do with themselves or the children. And so that brings us to the next question. Which is, how do you respond to? emotional outbursts because I think most people will ask the question of How do you deal with rudeness or that sense of entitlement or all of it but I think it starts with just How do you respond to the emotional outpost because it's asking for very similar things.

Annaliese Erin: So with the emotional outburst, again we want to start with checking ourselves internally because if we aren't emotionally calm, then we're just going to escalate that situation. Right. Anything emotional has to be met with empathy and validation and then we correct the behavior. so that might sound like I can hear that you're angry It's okay to be angry and we don't need to hit your brother. Right. So we go into trying to see them. we want to keep in mind that it's our relationship with our child that will influence them. And therefore, we have to come from this pace of trying to understand where they're coming from.

Annaliese Erin: And then step How do I validating? The emotion is not accepting the behavior. Okay, so we're coming in, We're saying I can see that you're angry. I can see you're upset, This is really hard for you. And when we do that, our child feels seen, they feel good. They feel safe. And it's only when they feel that safety. Can their walls come down? And then once we get them, calm, you might have to do some reassuring. You might need to give them a hug, you might even need to give them some space. and if they are resisting all types of you, trying to connect with them and then we come in with solutions like okay, Your brother took your toy. And you want it back.

Annaliese Erin: And instead of hitting him, we can say Please give me my toy back and we can offer him another toy that we're happy for him to play with. So we're teaching them skills and we're teaching them. To replace but where we're giving them an alternative behavior, one that's appropriate. We're giving them the words that they need to communicate what's going on for them at the same time because I don't believe that many of us were raised like that. Most of us were raised with. Don't hit It's completely unhelpful…

Frequency Coaching: Yeah. Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: because I've still got this emotion and I'm still angry and you're just telling me to do nothing about it. I have to know…

Frequency Coaching: So with that,…

Annaliese Erin: what the steps are.

Frequency Coaching: I mean many a time I know that I defaulted towards more of a reward punishment process within that. I mean, context-wise with regards to the outburst, that maybe I in for individuals parents that's been there, go to I'm gonna take this away if you're acting like this. I'm going to give you this. If you act in accordance to these expectations and ideals that I've said for you and how do you maybe just Open up that mindset to be like wow. I can see the

Frequency Coaching: the importance of maybe breaking this down and simplifying it and actually teaching, these really important skills and how to connect, how to communicate, how to share, how to, express yourself versus feeling. if I do feel this way, I know something is going to happen. I'm gonna get something, or if I do act this way, I'm gonna get something or something's gonna be taken away from my space.

Annaliese Erin: So the reason that I don't like rewards and I don't like punishments is because all behavior comes from an emotion and the reward and the punishment is completely overriding or overlooking. The fact that there is a reason that your child has d. This way, there is an emotion that has pushed your child to behave this way. And rewards and…

Frequency Coaching: Okay.

Annaliese Erin: punishments, don't even acknowledge. That it's just like, behave this way and ignore your emotions. But if we could ignore our emotions, then we wouldn't need to learn how to emotionally regulate what happens is that.

00:35:00

Annaliese Erin: our emotions override our thinking brain, even as adults, this happens, And so we have to come back to teaching our kids, how to cope with emotion which comes back to their emotional resilience. We have to be emotionally resilient, we have to allow the emotion. and then, they come in with, Unless you want to be taking things from your child, when they're 17 in having an actual physical fight with him, because they're gonna get bigger.

Annaliese Erin: Then we need to show them what to do next and how to cope better with the emotion. Right.

Frequency Coaching: That's a valid point tonight. I think that would tie into the next part of the question which would be When you're looking at, deploying effective communication. What if you're sitting in a position where your child is, maybe on the spectrum, they have ADD or ADHD, or they not neurotypical. Then you're a divergent or…

Annaliese Erin: No.

Frequency Coaching: just a HSP or Highly sensitive person trial.

Annaliese Erin: No.

Frequency Coaching: How would you go about, moving through that process? Would they be any new nuances or shifts with what you mentioned before? How would you approach that?

Annaliese Erin: The only thing that I would change. And I don't even know if I would change, if I would be a lot more aware of it. Is that you want to meet your child, exactly where they are. Right. And that is, if they are showing you the behavior. Then they're currently struggling. If don't get caught up in this, they should be able to do this, a showing you right now that they can't, and they're showing you right now that they need your help. And I talked to so many adults who, they were diagnosed with these conditions that, 30, 40, 50 years old. And I've had a whole lifetime of just not feeling good enough because the appearance just continually tried to

Annaliese Erin: Wouldn't meet them where they were at, they wanted them to be more regulated and they could not do it because of the you're right neurodiversity. Right. And so we always want to come in again with empathy. We come in with a validation. We allow them to have their emotion. We hold the boundary when it comes to physical destruction. And then we become solution, focused. What can we do? even if your child is old enough. You might be able to ask them the question, how do we meet in the middle here? Okay. And over time.

Annaliese Erin: They'll have their own suggestions at times, as they get older and older, but you have to meet the child exactly where they're at, and they're exact moment. And keep in mind, one day, they might be able to At the certain way. And the next day, maybe they didn't get enough sleep. in an argument with their sister or brother, or maybe they've had a bad day at school, and they can't do what they could do yesterday. Again, you're gonna have to step into Meeting exactly where they're at there and be Flexible parenting is basically it's the goal.

Frequency Coaching: And another tool that you gave us was I wonder meeting things with curiosity and that's been very helpful especially with our youngest who he is very intense in his expression and all of it and how he feels it. And that was very overwhelming for Nick and for me to witness Nick being overwhelmed because I was like, I need to fix this but just coming at it with all I wanted if there's this or I wonder if we could do because it allows for them to also be curious with what they're feeling and it's an extra step. It's this even like a five second pause before, going into the depths of it which has been really helpful. And as a highly sensitive parent on the other end, I get

00:40:00

Frequency Coaching: Overstimulated really quickly.

Frequency Coaching: So, whether I'm touched out, or if there's too much noise, and I've got two, the two boys are always screaming, but not bad scream. They always just playing and screaming. And then there's also a dog in the mix of it and now we have a baby and then, Nick's also trying to talk to me, ask me, having for supper? what are we doing? and then, at the end of, let me just use the safe word. And she runs into the room gone, I'm done. that was really helpful, practice for me to learn that I can step out that the world is not going to burn. If I just go into my room for five minutes, put on my white noise or just put something on, where I can just bring myself to space where I can think and be calm, instead of just reacting and then you can be more effective than your approach. and that's worked really well to be honest with Just that thing of having a safe word, like,

Frequency Coaching: I can't do the parenting thing right now. I need to go step out and go view my thing and many a time I find that when you've been able to do that, or if I've called you out to city, you probably need to step back. you don't say that. You just like pineapple and pineapple and leave. I find that I'm in a way more,

Frequency Coaching: Balanced and firm empowered space to help navigate that situation and not only say necessarily take control, but create that boundary in the framework, where whatever was going to turn into more chaos is able to come down and the kids are able to regulate themselves, but it's because we worked as a team and that's the other thing with parenting is having a partner that's on the same page as you, which makes things massively easier because he holds me accountable just as I hold him accountable and myself accountable. And that is so helpful versus The thing but I wanted to say, on what you were saying about dealing with kids who

Frequency Coaching: You have a different temperament than what people would regard as easy kids, the unicorn children who just said another is so placid and all these things and they sleep. It was so interesting. Reflecting back on a conversation that I had with my brother and my parents and our kids were listening to that. And

Frequency Coaching: How I couldn't really remember that entire conversation but what I do remember was that my mom was saying that your father wishes that he was harder on all of you. And my brother said, I don't know if I could bring kids into the world being as hard on them as you guys were on us and my oldest was he asked me a couple days after that. He was like what did that look like for you guys? And I was trying to explain it to him and I remember after that just reflecting back on it and it was a thing of I don't understand why we have this thing that's been ingrained within parenting that you have to break a child's spirit in order. you have to break them in you have to fix them. Yeah, make sure that they're gonna be a good.

Frequency Coaching: Pliable of the world. And it's almost like this loss of The humaneness within them. There's this all since the child like nature. That's just you try and break it out of them. the harder. You on them, more difficult, you make it for them. The more they'll be a better person. Is the belief I think or make them stronger. Yeah. And it's not, I mean, I've spent my adulthood trying to heal from my childhood which is I think what a lot of parents now are facing just to add that, I think,

Frequency Coaching: This being such an interesting space because you're dealing obviously with parents and kids but mostly the parents and we dealing with people that want to work on themselves and then it ends up coming back to parenting and childhood trauma or just very instances. and the root cause behind why they are driven in the way that they are. I find that it's really interesting how full circle this work is because it's self-applicable. It's not your kids that are the problem. Its And it's…

00:45:00

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: how your kids and more importantly seeing yourself at the end of the day.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: and I wanted to ask you, in light of all of that, how do you find ways that you can not just end your motherhood? Because that's something that I've

Frequency Coaching: A very rarely do. I hear people happy within motherhood? there's the thing of like, what? We just continue, we go with it, or This is the mindset of, you have to endure it and move through it. And that's not something that I wanted to do. I've always wanted to find ways to enjoy it because it's such a big part. are you kids childhood So, how do you find ways that you as a parent can enjoy parenting?

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah, I think that's with what I believe is. Making sure that your own emotion on physical needs are met,…

Frequency Coaching: Mm-hmm

Annaliese Erin: and when I say emotional, that also means bringing joy into your life.

Frequency Coaching: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: And We often struggle with emotional regulation, and we often struggle with self compassion and self-care.

Annaliese Erin: So being unapologetic about this is what I love and I'm going to heaven in my life. Is really, I believe the only way that we get through motherhood because I remember thinking, this could be a miserable 18 years.

Frequency Coaching: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: or could learn how to get through it and how to get through a happy because ultimately the science shows that children thrive when their mother thrives,…

Frequency Coaching: Mmm.

Annaliese Erin: Okay, and when you think about just how much influence we have, that is so true.

Frequency Coaching: Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: and therefore, if you can view it, that you're actually doing your child a favor, I enjoying your life and finding things that make you happy. Even if it's little things like I take Mum breaks, And while it took time for my kids to learn that when I was on a mum break. I was not available. Okay, and so I had to end up. Saying to them multiple times. I'm on a mum break right now and that means for 10 minutes, I'm not available. And I would obviously try and…

Frequency Coaching: One.

Annaliese Erin: set up activities so that I could get an uninterrupted break. However, And that's not always possible. Because kids are unpredictable obviously. and I use that time to do something that's actually refreshing. I could spend my time scrolling but that's not going to make me feel any better. It's not going to make me happy. And therefore the things they actually make me happier reading and in the summer, we get one of those pools just from the shop and diving in there. And there are times where I'll go in the pool and I'll be like, you can't come, right? I'm going in. Okay, and after my channel, 15 minutes, I would love you to join me.

Annaliese Erin: But I am going to lie in this pool and just feel free by myself. And then once that's done, I will happily. Have you come and play? Right. And so it's really putting your needs first and not feeling bad about it. And the one thing that about, if you can embrace what I found is that when your child puts their needs, first you are more open to embracing their needs as well.

Frequency Coaching: And then there's that boundary component and I think that mutual respect, I'm not just seeing you As a kid, I'm seeing you as an individual as a person. And see each other slightly differently,…

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: but that respect is there. And that recognition, I love that. And it was if you think about what your modeling to your kids, you are the first human that they are experiencing and…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: you will showing them not by But by what you're doing, you're showing them what it means to be a whole healthy and happy human in your relationships. You also showing them what it means to love and be loved, and, Does it feel good? all of those things are being communicated, it's not doing. I say it's do as I do. Yeah.

00:50:00

Frequency Coaching: So, I think one of the biggest shifts for me. In our family, dynamic has been. Just, I think I'm not someone that can compartmentalize to the same degree. So, if there's something happening within, our partnerships space, it's everything within parent to it is being affected, or if there's something happening with the kids. And our partnership is being affected as well. And so, just having that sense of the support and the strategies and just having something feel easy. And now that we know what to do or have some part where to do has been massive for us within the dynamic of our relationship and it's almost like this sense of ease that we've witnessed within the kids because they like, okay.

Frequency Coaching: And this is who you are when you're not reactive, this is who you are, and that's how you are towards each other. When you're not doing what we used to like our to patterns and I find that in parenting. It's a thing of like This is I'm actually having to grow up because you have to let go of that sense of carelessness. Especially when you want to parent Wow, parenting is easy if you don't want to parent.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: And by what I mean is just that notion of thinking about what you're doing taking responsibility for your actions, it takes time to develop that within your mind and in your nervous system and I'm still actively working on it. I don't get it right. Most days, but it is better than what I've done and yeah, I just wanted to ask,

Frequency Coaching: How within your relationships with your partner, or your husband, or whoever, how do you find ways to so be your yourself or the nick to each other? Because I'm miss you in the parenting, especially now that one it's like and then I've got to follow of question to that and the second part would be from your perspective. Towel and it just goes into that. And the question before and in terms of enjoying parenting and motherhood, How can in a more traditional, familiar setup.

Frequency Coaching: How can the men in the relationship be more supportive to allow for the mother to nurture and care for the kids and to full up and really turn the house into a home, Keep that spark alive as well, and I think that does time to the relationship question. But however, the interpreted, we'd love to just hear your views in there.

Annaliese Erin: And I think for the food for the first part of that question, I believe our relationships come down to whether we are going to either turn away from our partner or turn towards our partner. Right. That's two ways that we can, when we're under some pretty heavy stress and our partner walks in the door, they've been at work all day, aware of that being If we're going to turn away from them, that would look like disconnection. That might look like Go and do this or kind of blaming them or lashing out at them. okay, and the opposite though is tuning into them and that might look like turning around and be like

Frequency Coaching: Hmmm.

Annaliese Erin: And giving them how you be like today's being so hard. my goodness. and once you know that And when you hear that, those words or you hear how their day has been, there's no competition. And there's no my days harder or it's harder doing this bowl. But it's like, what? Let's need each other. Let's turn towards each other and then, Let's be a teammate. What do we need? If I can rely on you, to put my needs and my emotional needs high on your priority list and you can rely on me to do the same, then we've always got each other's back.

00:55:00

Annaliese Erin: Right, we're always supportive. We can step into, okay, you do this, and I'll do that and it happened for me just yesterday. Yeah, I had an afternoon where I had that and my stepdaughters and my daughter and they were just fighting all afternoon, I was pulling my hair out, they were in and take an amazing each other hitting there. I was like When my partner came in, and I literally looked at him and I was like, It's my turn to cry. It's just the girls had all cried three times agent. I was overwhelmed. and it's fell into his arms and was like, my goodness.

Annaliese Erin: It was just like, Okay, let's take a breath, Let's go outside. We'll turn the TV on. we'll keep them distracted, And it was just 10 minutes of being outside of going, yeah. I need to breathe. And then after I was able to come to, that calm space. I was like, and how was your day? Yeah, and from the goal is, how do we get to bedtime? Without losing it.

Annaliese Erin: For me, You do this, and I do this and Every time we find it hard, we're gonna look at each other and maybe run outside for five minutes or whatever it is, And when the kids were eating there, Their dinner, he was like, Hey, you step out, I've got this right? And I went and set outside just by myself. And yeah, I think just knowing that. Both roles are different in the household but they're still equally as important.

Frequency Coaching: But I love that because I mean just using that example there your partner they're supporting you and making sure that you've got some time to fill up your cup because you'd just been pouring into the kids, the whole day and just trying to keep things moving at some points.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: Just to get by, you just want to get to bed time. That's the deadline. If you can get there, it's been successful for everyone's bought, or fed and sleeping and love it…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: because the other day Nick and I

Frequency Coaching: In the morning, she hasn't been sleeping. She's got that four months, sleep progression. and…

Annaliese Erin: I,

Frequency Coaching: she's just chatting and smiling. And it's so cute. I can't say go to sleep, so I'm just up with her and Nick, he's working so intensely during the day because right now, obviously I've chosen not to take on any clients and anything. And so there was one day that we just came to each other. There was, I don't know how you do what you do, and Nick was like, I don't know, you do what you do. I would never be able to do that. And so,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: it was just the thing of I'll see you at the end of your mountain. I love you. we're all on our own mountains.

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: Right now, let me walk down the passage into the sunset. Separately. Yeah. But no, it's so true. you're saying, but I mean in term,

Frequency Coaching: The second part of next question, which was How does the dad pour into? Mum. So that she's able to point to the kids, more was a dynamic that we didn't understand especially in the beginning of our relationship and

Frequency Coaching: it's an interesting one because it's also decided to interrupt you. It's also just that whole provider idea, that men have that, that's the bare minimum, that's what you're supposed to do just provide. And then it's like, Okay now I've done my thing like everything else like you take care of that, please share what you read on Reddit yesterday just for context, this was shocking to because, So there's A

Frequency Coaching: My wife just had a baby a week ago, and she's not cleaning, or doing the dishes and obviously, my eyes are rolling right now because,…

Annaliese Erin: Okay.

Frequency Coaching: 

Frequency Coaching: I don't believe that that's one person's responsibility. and his question was like, should I be helping or What should I do? Was the question and the responses were shocking. So the second most liked one was just find ways to not do it to say that you're tired or all of those things because she should be doing it, that's her Roland responsibility. The most liked one was, I do the things I do help, when she asked me to do it, I make the bottle, I do the things, but I make the bottle too hot, or too cold and in the baby's crying, I always break a glass when she asked me to do the dishes. And it's that. What do they call it some?

01:00:00

Frequency Coaching: It's I can't think of the word. there's a time…

Annaliese Erin: Quick. And

Frequency Coaching: that's a weaponizing competence and that was the most liked response and in the beginning of our relationship that was Nick's also to thing because that's what his friends communicated. That's what all of the people around him said and it was such a big I was angry for a long time because of it, but, it's that just going back to taking responsibility for Yourself, your actions, your choices and what you're modeling to your kids and that's what shifted things for you. But how would you

Frequency Coaching: what was your question with that? I know, just in terms of you, you're looking at a partnership and both roles are really important at the end of the day. I think if I do, verbalize little turn it into a question. How do you go about addressing, maybe a situation? Like that, Let's say where you have, the mother that's doing an absolute best. She's trying to take all the boxes, the partners, taking the absolute basics, and it's a financial security.

Frequency Coaching: Is there in person and…

Annaliese Erin: 

Frequency Coaching: He does like the absolute bare minimum, but it's the emotional component, isn't there? Maybe, there's a thing of just, I'm too tired. I can't do this or this. I have the expectation that you have to do X, Y and Z. How would you go about just maybe starting a conversation around that with things? Can maybe be addressed and just maybe a process or helping individuals navigate that in their relationship.

Annaliese Erin: I think. The way that I would approach that is first you have to ask yourself, do you and your partner have the same values? Yeah.

Annaliese Erin: for example, if someone got into marriage to just financially provide, Was their conversation that beforehand that That was going to be the expectation. it's so strong. I mean this place where

Annaliese Erin: we keep trying to push these relationships, when you've got two different people with two different values, wanting two, different paths and two different lives, and they're in a relationship together. Ultimately, you have to come down and have the conversation and say, this is What do you want? And you have to know what is most important to you. and go into it with the mindset that if this person is not willing to be that Then you can either spin your whole life fighting for it and probably be severely. Let down Or. you guys can meet in the middle and say, Hey, I want to be with You want to be with me? Let's try and match our values.

Annaliese Erin: And see what is most important because you're never gonna find someone. Who is a hundred percent. but, You do want to find someone where you have the same goals. That you're in this as a partnership. It's not like we're married, but with secret,

Annaliese Erin: And so we go into it and whenever you have these conversations the way that I always start the conversation is what connection right. If I know I have to have a difficult conversation with my partner and For a couple days beforehand even a few hours beforehand, up that connection. I will be flirty. I'll be fun, I'll be happy. I'll be complementing them because I know that that conversation is gonna go easier. When they feel When they feel connected to you, you're going to want to please the other person. So we have to up the connection. Then we get to have common ground Why are you initiating, this conversation? How is it of benefit to them to have this conversation? For example, it might be

01:05:00

Annaliese Erin: I really want us to be more united. I really think that our family will be stronger if we can come to an agreement around this area, I want to feel closer to Why are you initiating the conversation? What is the outcome that you're hoping for? Right. And then we go into how do we consider the point of view and collaborate together? And both of you have to be considerate to what the other person wants. This is a two-way thing. Okay. And then finally it is making sure that if there is any tension or there's any

Annaliese Erin: Like that. You feel your emotions escalating that you take a break and who you come? Right. So there's four or five C words there connection, calm collaboration consideration and common ground and that's how you have a really good conversation and also using language that doesn't blame but instead acknowledges how you feel? So instead of you do this is I feel really let down when this happens. Okay, and we take the criticism out of it instead, we're putting an encouragement. I know that you're so great at this because when you do it all, I feel so loved. Right. There is so much easier to digest than Don't love me. No, that's what we can't bring out accusations.

Annaliese Erin: Because it just puts everyone's walls up.

Frequency Coaching: Here and drugs. Brilliant, really hundred percent. I think it's just easier to change Everyone around us as well. Yeah, I'm sitting yourself up for success.

Annaliese Erin: 

Frequency Coaching: With that approach. That makes no sense. One of the other questions that we had, I suppose, this ties in, but not with your direct relationship. But How do you balance or handle difficult relationships with grandparents, specifically, in terms of just the perspective that you're holding in terms of just how your parenting and how you're using your kids, because

Frequency Coaching: Normally there's two very different schools of thought. Yeah, because I've seen a lot of people, especially millennial parents are not going, no contact, because they've realized what I went through is not okay and the parents are not wanting to take accountability or responsibility and that's the reason why a lot of us have gone, no low contact with him. And so it's interesting because grandparents feel like they owed relationships with the kids. And so how do you navigate that where they feel like they owe time with them? But you also don't want to take away a relationship like that, but parents or grandparents or continuously disrespectful of boundaries or to the parents themselves. how would you navigate that and the parenting approach?

Annaliese Erin: Yeah, so I don't believe that anyone is owed a relationship with your child. the mindset that we have to also have is that our parents had their time parenting and…

Frequency Coaching: Mmm.

Annaliese Erin: they got to do whatever they wanted and they chose their path. And I believe that in a healthy adult child relationship a parent. Let's go around 18. 18 to 21. You should be hands off and allowing your child to make their own decisions and face the natural consequences that come with that decision. And so, therefore, if your parent is still trying to control your decisions and your 25-30, whatever it is, you have to recognize that there's some element there, that is completely unhealthy. and it's also very hard when you've been raised in that kind of enrichment. Where Family comes first.

Annaliese Erin: and they believe because by the heat up the family they are the elders that they are entitled to certain things.

01:10:00

Annaliese Erin: 

Annaliese Erin: But your responsibility as to your child. And in 20 years, time, when your child is 20, 30, whatever it is, and they turn to you and they say, Why did you do that? are you going to have the answers falling? Are you going to be able to stand up and say I did that? Because I thought it was what was best because that was really authentic, because this is how I wanted to parent, or you're gonna say, I did that, because it was what I was taught by my parents. Your one is quite cowardly. And the other is Really? Thought this is what was best for you. And you get to choose which path you go down.

Frequency Coaching: That's so beautifully verbalized. Thank you. You are going to find out…

Annaliese Erin: Mmm.

Frequency Coaching: who you are, whether and you need to make sure that it's someone that you like That looking in the mirror and facing and so on I'll in our closing thank you so much for your time and for your expertise and all of the tools and everything that you shared here, this has been incredible. And I know that there's so many people that are going to find this so incredibly helpful and this is why we have a parenting coaching and I think when you don't know

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: what to do,

Frequency Coaching: Because someone else there's what to do. So, you what? Yeah, I wanted to ask just the last little one which is what is something that you repeat is like a monster for yourself? Who does that shift for you every day? Just to Keep yourself in check? as you go throughout the days, there's something that you reach for all the time because for me is I'm safe within my space. my kids are not the enemy, we can likely find ways to have fun with us,…

Annaliese Erin: My go-to and, moments at a heart,…

Frequency Coaching: .

Annaliese Erin: this is hard and…

Frequency Coaching: Yeah. What is yours?

Annaliese Erin: I can do hard things. It might this one and then if I'm feeling really overwhelmed, it's very similar to yours.

Frequency Coaching: Like that.

Annaliese Erin: I'm safe. I can tape outside and trying to be really solution-focused as opposed to Being stuck in the problem.

Frequency Coaching: Yeah. I like that and Annaliese for anyone that is wanting to find you,…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah. So I'm on Facebook,…

Frequency Coaching: where can they find you?

Annaliese Erin: Tiktok and…

Frequency Coaching: How can they work with you?

Annaliese Erin: Instagram under Annaliese.

Frequency Coaching: How can they get hold of you?

Annaliese Erin: Erin parent coach. You can just send me a message.

Annaliese Erin: that's probably the best way and if you go to my link, which is in my profile and each of those Social Media Accounts. There is a form that you can fill out if you want to work together.

Frequency Coaching: And we also just make sure that your details are in the podcast description as well. So everyone can easily access you and get hold of you if they there resonate, but Annaliese genuinely Just thank you from the bottom of my heart and…

Annaliese Erin: Yeah.

Frequency Coaching: for what you've done for us and just for sharing your wisdom and your time with us today, it's deeply appreciated and I trust that the people listening. They have a few golden nuggets to take with them and hopefully implement in their lives. Moving forward, you can just ease their parenting journey, just a little

Annaliese Erin: And thank you so much for having me and it's been great working with you guys.